Sunday, September 30, 2001
Friday, September 28, 2001
fourteenth posti've got a crush on someone. not that this is new news, but i just thought i'd let you know.
thirteenth postthe week is almost to an end, amen. i'm going to the first hockey game, who-hoo!, going home to play with my puppy, and coming back for church on sunday. just what the doctor ordered. just kidding, i don't like doctors... um just what i need. anyway, i've said it before and i'll say it again: applications for dating me are available for pick-up in room 224. i'm half-kidding on that one though. see, i'm not desperate (i've actually been asked out in say the last month) but i'd like applications (theoretically) so i can screen them beforehand. i get all of these weirdos looking at me, what's up with that? granted, if everyone looked the same, yadda yadda, but all of the creeps give me odd smiles like i should know what's up. i desperately try to show them i do not indeed know what's up or i try to look uninterested, but how vain is that? why am i even judging people based on their looks? not just looks as in how your face is put together, but by total appearance. actually, it makes a lot of sense to judge a person by their appearance. things attract to things that they are like. this is a simple concept, and we are the things. that's why attractive people are friends, and unattractive people are friends too. and yes, there is such a thing as attractive people... don't give me that crap about "beauty in the eye of the beholder" cuz that only applies to certain situations. there are some people that are just attractive. it's a social certainty (thank you psy235, prof. messe). anyway, my point is that creepy guys check me out. does this mean that i'm a creep? i don't know if that theory i just sort of but not really explained holds for this. i feel like such a bitch for saying that but hey i'm keeping it real. i'm being honest. ANYway, good things come to those who wait. yeeeeeeah did you know that 19 years and ----hey guess what my 1/2 birthday is on saturday!!----6 months is roughly 10 million minutes? that's a lot of waiting, although i guess you can't count say the first 15 years? at any rate, i think i've waited long enough and i just want a boy who will treat me right. not really that much to ask for. it's not i swear. oh, and i just want to skip the whole dating, getting-to-know-you part and jump right into things. whoa-that sounded kinda slutty. i just meant that i hate all of those steps, yet another thing i learned in social psych. stages of a relationship, just for those of you who don't know:
Stage 1: Sampling and Estimation (meeting them, etc.)
Stage 2: Exploration (getting to know you)
Stage 3: Regularization (behaviors somewhat 'scripted')
Stage 4: Termination (many/most relationships come to an end).
Yeah, stage 1 sucks, 2's not bad, 3's not really that bad either, and then 4, well that's inevitable. the only way that doesn't happen is if you get married, or one of you dies. sooooooo i sorta want to just jump the gun and go straight to stage 2.5--that seems like the place to be. or not to be, it seems from my experience. oh, yeah another thing. why do my friends come to me with their relationship problems? don't get me wrong, i love it that my friends value my opinions and what not but what kind of authority am i? i don't have the best track record in that respect, so i think it's kinda funny people always come to me. anyway i don't mind it so whatever. ok i better go before this genetics test truly kicks me in the ass and i won't be able to sit at my computer anymore and write blogs. if you read this website, email me, i want to know if anyone reads it. if no one does i'll stop putting it up and start writing in a journal or something. oh yeah and don't think you're getting journal-material here. riiiiiiiight i'm not that stupid. SmithL52@msu.edu
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
sometimes you just wish that you could go back in the past and change things, or are inclined to say to yourself "i wish i would've done that one thing differently." but, in hindsight, and it is always in hindsight, usually situations where you wish you would've done things differently turn out to be those situations in which you grow and mature. so i'm trying to look at a situation i'm in with that foresight, as hard as it is to do. at any rate, i'm sorry to people that i have hurt (or person rather, you know who you are) and i know that i always say that stuff about being accountable for your own feelings yadda yadda but i'll just say for the record that i'm sorry and no i don't want to change your feelings but i hope things are looking better for you really soon.
Sunday, September 23, 2001
tenth postseptember twenty third two thousand one. this is going to be my stream of consciousness list. well not really a list but whatever. i make too many lists as it is. not that that's a bad thing but i never really refer to them, only make them to make myself feel like i have a lot to do, but i end up putting really retarded things on there like brush my teeth or something like that. no not really. but whatever. i wonder if the season finale of the practice is on tonight. can't miss it. that guy from last season the serial killer there's a guy who works in snyder who looks like him it's kinda creepy especially when he smiles at me cuz i see the serial killer smiling at me. so much for trying to see the best in people, i just see serial killers in them. that's just bad. anyway. hmm. nothing is going thru my brain right now. i wonder what that means. hmm. hungry howies boy just showed up. hel-lo. eh not so cute once melissa opened the door. whatever. highlight of my day? let me check... a knock. anyway. i'm going now to watch the practice. love, your faithful friend.
Saturday, September 22, 2001
ninth posti don't know what to say. well i do but i don't know how i want to say it. well yes i know how i want to say it but i don't think i want to say it for all the world to read.
Thursday, September 20, 2001
eight post1. i feel like i've been at school for so long, and it hasn't even been a month?? that's psycho. almost as psycho as say the squirrels that try to attack me or the difference between the amount i am supposed to study and the time i actually study...
2. i love it when people tell me things that i already know i can do... ok that doesn't make much sense so i'll use a rather elementary example: suppose jane (hi mom) is running up to a swingset, and there are two empty swings on either side of dick. one has bird poop on it, the other one pristine clean. it takes jane point two seconds to decide on the clean swing, and right as she is about to walk up to it, dick says to jane "you should sit on the clean one." ok now how dumb is dick? duh of course jane knows she can sit on the clean one, as she is damn well about to do. what's annoying is that dick assumes jane is too stupid to use her discretion, or that dick wants to hear himself talk, or that dick is, well, a dick. who knows. either way, it's annoying, and it insults my intelligence.
3. i dreamt i went by my house in germany, it was really weird. i think the reason why is because the other day, i saw this guy, and i was like "who does he look like???" and it was bugging me so badly. later on the name "york" appeared to me, and i realized that he looked like this guy who went to my school in germany. [side note: i was in sixth grade, and he was in 12th, and i remember thinking he was like ancient, and now i look back on it and i laugh, cuz he was only, like, 18....change in perspective makes me laugh.] anyway i started thinking about all of my friends from that year and my house and my city and what not. then in my dream, which was otherwise totally unrelated to germany, i'm walking down this street and all of a sudden, i'm on seeblickstrasse and there is 65. it was so bizarre. sounds kinda lame now that i've written it, but it still amazes me what our minds can do to us, and how memories can take us to this really weird place that is totally undescribable to another.
4. my back kinda hurts. i don't want to go a chiaropractor though cuz i'm chicken shit.
5. i love the fall!!!
that's it for my list
p.s. on winamp, vitamin c's graduation song came up... ah memories.
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
today i skipped classok, so i'm not that much of a badass, i wish i could be though. today, i slept in, and damn did it feel good. it was a much deserved rest, and i'm sure i didnt' miss out on too much information in genetics. plus that gives me an excuse to talk to that hot skater boy who's in my class. anyway..... it's really cool when i forget to do part of my first statics exam. i get out of that class, and this girl goes to me "it took me so long to do 2b!" to which i replied, "um what part b?" haha it was classic. but at least i just plain old forgot instead of not knowing. cuz i know that it wasn't my fault (well it was but you know what i mean) for getting a low score. i mean, i could've done higher if i had read the instructions instead of i could've done higher if i were smarter kind of thing.anyway, who gives a flying fuck about my academics? not i, and i'm sure not you. this week is going by pretty fast. it's already the end of the middle. who.hoo. i want to get a piece of mail. i like mail. i had a dream last night, well actually this morning right before i woke up. i know this will sound lame, but ... nevermind. i have decided to withhold the details of this specific dream for now. maybe you will get the details later. ok i'm leaving for now, be back shortly.
Monday, September 17, 2001
it's my dad's birthday, he is 47. happy birthday dad.i am in a lull right now. nothing is really going on. kinda bored with things. it'll pass, it always does. it's already mid-september, and that is just nuts. speaking of nuts, i almost got attacked by a squirrel yesterday. i heard a rustling in the tree, look over and what do i see? two black beady eyes intent on jumping me. i almost peed my pants laughing and being scared by a stupid squirrel. it was so funny though. then roxanne and i were walking talking about the perfect man (and i mean that in a literal way--we were talking about specific people here) and i guess it is one of those things where you "had to be there" but roxanne had a revelation on her long-unknown soul mate. that was some quality things i heard. hahaha wouldn't you like to know who we're talking about? riiiiiight like anyone even knows i have this website thing. anyway... what else? um nothing. like i said, lull. anyway, enough of talking about myself, i'm going.
Saturday, September 15, 2001
fifth postsweet so my friday night plans didn't go as planned. i was pissed but i'm not anymore. not worth it. but it does pose a few questions to myself that i can't bring myself to answer truthfully. basically what i mean is that since i had this time to be alone and what not, and think, i've been asking myself some things but not allowing myself to answer them because i dont' want to admit them. that is the worst. i think that i talk to myself too much in my head. too much self-conversing is going on.
Friday, September 14, 2001
fourth postthings have been out of control lately. people, responses, ignorance, life, questions, answers, lack of both, debris, rubbish, transcripts, vigils, away messages, pain, lack of, songs, newspapers, words, repetition, nods, shakes, concern, distractions, committments, pledges, promises, faith, wreckage, evacuations, accusations, prejudice, hatred, unknown. gossip, speculation, guesses, assumptions, security, danger. chaos and confusion. comparisons, profiles, endings. life must go on.
Wednesday, September 12, 2001
i don't even know what to say about september 11. in a matter of about an hour, a huge number of people died in a small series of events. huge number like tens of thousands. my stomach is queasy typing that. and it's weird looking back at what i wrote yesterday about how "america's not such a bad place to live" scroll down and you'll see. it's eerie. there is nothing to say about it. all i can do is sit and shake my head. i went to my church tonight but i couldn't even concentrate on praying. i looked up and saw the huge speakers hanging from the ceiling, and i thought that maybe god is screaming at us, that this is some sort of wake up call, but everyone has their speakers on mute. who knows. that sounds lame. there's no reason this should have happened. everyone has said the same things... it's devastating, it's horrible, all those people... but it still hasn't sunk in yet, i still do not quite grasp what has actually gone on. once again removed from the tragedy, knowing personally no one involved (that i know of so far), i still do not understand the pain that hundreds of thousands are feeling because of their loss. i feel pain for the loss, but i don't truly feel the pain of the loss. do you know what i mean?
Monday, September 10, 2001
ok now that i got it working...
one: my internet has been being a bitch and i am about to pull an Office Space on it and go postal in the hallway with a baseball bat. and the people at 26200 never tell me the right thing grrr.
two: i'm excited for the lifehouse concert, it should be a good time. let's hope we get there early for good "seats" and what not
three: where better to be when there's a tornado warning (sirens and all) than church?
cuatro: i love the number four...
five: the number of days i have left to finish capa, i.e. the devil
six: did you know that the u.s. government, in the 1920s and 30s, used to sterilize people to limit their reproduction because they thought those people were genetically inferior? americans we're talking about. this is the concept that the nazi's used, the only difference being the nazi's killed instead of sterilizing. in america, if the "genetically inferior" weren't sterilized, they were institutionalized. aren't you proud to be an american? just kidding, there are faaaaaar worse places to be...
seven: what is statics?
eight: is there a difference between attraction (physical and or sexual, if there's a difference) and wanting someone? i've had this conversation time and time again with someone, and we have different opinions on this one. i say that you can be attracted to someone, but not like them, like them. whatever i've already lost my train of thought.
nine: only one more til ten
ten: ok i'm lazy and i cheated. what is new? i also set out to do homework only to discover two hours later that i've wasted my time tooling around doing shit.