Wednesday, January 25, 2006

linds1982smith: so you're single?
linds1982smith: how rude, i didn't even ask
Sandman302: yeah, im "out there"
linds1982smith: out there like single?
Sandman302: yeah
linds1982smith: well that's fun
linds1982smith: any prospects?
Sandman302: nah, just kinda doing my thing
Sandman302: whatever that thing is
Sandman302: having a geef is overrated
linds1982smith: the internet, poker, video game thing, occasional masturbation
Sandman302: LOL
linds1982smith: i know how it goes... : P
Sandman302: i seroiusly about spit water on my screen
Sandman302: very nice
linds1982smith: lol
linds1982smith: sometimes i whip up something good like that
linds1982smith: that was a gem, i must admit

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

So I don't really understand the whole phenomenon of "Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" or whatever dumb cliche it is... but I believe it. I just like to call it Vacation Syndrome. Someone goes away for a while, and then suddenly you want to tell them what you seasoned your dinner with and how many times you sharpened your pencil at work and dumb shit like that, when usually you cherish your "Me Time." Big Whatever. And it totally puts a smile on my face when he happens to be in a foreign country that has keyboards with Y and Z switched, so you get an email that looks like this:

Lindsaz - (Im going to tzpe mz waz, screw this kezboard)
Did I tell zou I love castles? A LOT? Zou will realiye this when zou see mz pictures.
When do zou flz in on Mondaz? Are zou flzing with zour mom? If not, I can pick zou up from the airport if it is after work, and show zou all mz pictures and catch up. Let me know, I can not wait to see zou again...

(Aww, someone can't wait to see me?? WTF?)

Speaking of Europe... when I lived in Germany, we had a bidet in our house. I had no idea what it was, no one in our house used it ever, only as a prop to hold up my pre-pubessent hairy legs when I shaved them for the first time. (Ahh, memories.) Anyway, so I totally would use the bidet if I lived there now. Honestly, I've had this conversation with numerous people, all of whom give me a weird look, but their non-interest in this topic makes me think THEY'RE the weird ones. So here's the conversation:

Every day, you shit. Shit comes out of your body. Fact.
Another fact? We wipe our asses dry with toilet paper.

Picture this (THEORETICALLY): You accidentally get shit on your hand, or arm, or something. Would you just wipe it dry, with a dry paper towel? Or let's say you step in mud while barefoot. Do you just dry your foot off on the grass and not actually wash it clean? People are so paranoid about using anti-bac at the thought of touching a quarter or a menu. BUT THEY ARE WILLING TO JUST WIPE SHIT DRY ON THEIR ASSES???

I don't get it. If I had a bidet, I would wash my ass every damn time I took a shit. And you should wish to do that as well.

Ahhh, I just sound like a pervert now. If not a pervert, then at least a weirdo for having thought that out.

Uhhhh, there's no redemption for this post after that, is there?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

You know what is a super gross feeling? Seeing someone walk behind their boss, dejected, into a conference room knowing that they're going to get laid off. Especially when you make eye contact with her, and her eyes are already red because she knows why her boss has asked her to follow him because that's what happened to four people yesterday, and another guy this morning. She'll go in that room, learn that she has 3 days of work left and that Friday will be her last, and she'll know that she won't be offered a severance package because she's not really a true employee there anyway, just a contract employee. And that if the mortgage or rent is due in 3 weeks, oh well. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. It's one thing to read about it in the newspaper or even hear others' tell the story about how it happened at their job, but to look into her eyes and see that hopeless glance really made me sad today.


So, I love having a blog because it allows me to say things to people without actually having to say it to them. I mostly - like 97% of the time - write things on here for my own memory, for my own amusement, or for your amusement. But sometimes I use it as a means with which to communicate what I don't want to do face-to-face or even blatantly. It's cowardice, but better than nothing. Throwing something out there that would make me nauseous if I sent an email or, God forbid, picked up the phone to say is slightly comforting; the problem therein lies in not getting any feedback, whatsoever. I'm never even positive that the correct audience ever read it. And if he or she did, that he or she knew it was for him or her. Okay fuck this pronoun game.

But I guess it's my own perogative, what I write and why I write it. And now that I've laid down that blogger-diarrhea, and actually didn't disclose anything, I'm out. Maybe I'll get drunk tonight and say some things I'll wish I hadn't. Byeee!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Umm can we talk for a second about how celebrities are stealing my baby names!? Granted, it's not like I'm with child, will be with child in the near or not-near future, nor am even getting laid thus the possibility of conceiving a child, BUT. First it was Britney - who I love, don't get me wronte - with SEAN. Umm, hi, that's MY baby name. NOW, I read that Ange-fucking-lina is going to name her son WILLIAM. UMMMM No you di'nt. NO YOU DID NOT. I hope that her baby turns out to be a girl, that by the grace of god a sonogram showed the girl with her hand down at her crotch looking like a baby penis or something. Now all I need is Katie Holmes and her manic gay boyfriend to decide to call their baby JAMESON and I will shoot up the internet with a bb gun. That's all!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Hide, do not seek
Self fulfilling prophecy
At least I'm calling the shots.