Tuesday, September 1, 2009

This Annoys The Shit Out Of Me (Alternate Title: Perhaps Tomorrow I Will Post Something Nice)

I have this pack of Stride gum at my desk at work, for those mornings when I have too much coffee and thus coffee breath that could kill a small child, or those days when I do not brush my teeth before leaving the house (calm down, I have a toothbrush in the locker in the ladies room) (yes, my work bathroom has a set of lockers, weird, right?).
This annoying pack of Stride gum has the handiwork of some annoying advertising/marketing people on the inside of the package.  Basically, you flip open the package and there's annoying list on the inside of the cardboard, that looks like a piece of notebook paper ripped out of the notebook. There's a "To Do List" with some fictional person's goals, including:
  1. Coin A Phrase
  2. Live with the Wild Llamas of Peru
  3. Discover an element to add to the Periodic Table
  4. Get into a break dance battle.
So wait... let me break this down and understand fully...
1. Coin a phrase - okay, fine. Make up a little euphemism or acronym or alliteration with your posse of high school buddies.  Make up a term to use about hot girls, none of whom you'd ever talk to, but you sure can talk about.  Talk the talk, but never walk the walk, type of thing. You're so cool.  I bet your phrase will be spread around all of the United States and soon enough Jimmy Fallon will use it on his talk show.  You will be the coolest kid in town!
2. Live with wild llamas? In Peru? First of all, do you speak Spanish, and are you up to date on South American immunizations?  You do realize you'd be without cell phone towers, so you won't be able to Twitter it, update your facebook status, and/or perform a live upload to Flickr while simultaneously riding said llamas?  Still want to do it? That old age question of "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?" is now replaced with "if you can't facebook it real-time, do you still want to do it?".  You're lame.  Read a book.
3. Yeah fricken right. You are not a scientist. There are no elements left to be found. (Not necessarily true, that was a tiny fiblet.) But - if there are un-discovered elements, they wouldn't be a dumb discovery, like "Oh, I was digging up that ziplock of illegal substances I had stashed in my parent's backyard garden, and I found this nugget of crystallized substance, and I thought, 'I wonder if this is a new element?'"  NO. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.
4. Okay, so you're a twerpy scientist who discovers elements, yet you have the street cred to a.) know how to break dance and b.) actually "battle" someone?  Please. The only "battling" you do is of Star Gallactica variety.  (I thought that was pretty funny, if I don't say so myself...)
I don't know why this stupid package of gum annoys me so... but literally every time I open it, I scoff and get pissy. I hate dumb advertising aimed at tweens!  I am turning into a pissy old woman! HALP!