Saturday, January 31, 2009

Wake up my people! Professor Murphy here. I will give my Blog Lecture here from the comfy and cozy confines of my bed. Or my mama's bed, but seeing as how it's Saturday it's also my bed between the hours of 6 and 10. I insist on jumping up and joining them if those two lazy parents of mine sleep in til ten - the nerve of them! Anyway, the lecture of the day is: STOP GLOBAL WARMING! That is all for today, folks, tune in for my next installment - STOP WORLD HUNGER. Oh shit, I just gave it away. I'm always doing that! Anyway, same time next week?

Friday, January 30, 2009


I just realized my dentist appointment in on Monday... which is February 2nd... which, for you non-Bill Murray fans who aren't in the know, is Groundhogs Day. I suppose you could be an Andie MacDowell fan and know that as well, however, I always found her to be a bit on the flighty side, so my loyalties lie with Mr. Murray.
Anyway, I can't think of a worse way to spend Groundhog's Day, you know, if the malady in the movie just happened to play out on this particular February second. Six months ago was my first visit to this dentist office. I had been to the same dentist for twenty-some years.  After moving out to the Ann Arbor area, it seemed a tad silly to drive well over an hour to a dentist just because I didn't want to change.
Truthfully, I didn't want to visit a new dentist because my old dentist knew my "history". You know, the history that included vomiting in the dental chair (after a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, no less) after a cavity filling, those types of things. It was kind of intimidating walking into a new dentist office and trying to explain the whole "well sometimes I get a little queasy" schtick. "Little" being the understatement of the year.
Things went swimmingly well at the new place, until the hygienist subjected me to a terrorist activity. Anytime someone jabs small pointy objects into the depths of your gums, well, that qualifies as terrorist activity if you ask me. Mass destruction indeed! Except the weapon was tiny as hell in this instance.
Wow - so I've gotten way off track here.
Feb. 2nd. Dentist. I'm thinking I should re-schedule.

Just... Wow...

From "Exxon Mobil reported the largest annual profit in U.S. history Friday, making $45.22 billion on the back of record oil prices."
That's kind of sickening, no?
P.S. Sickening is making a comeback. You heard it here first.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

If I Had A Millon Dollars

So I saw Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday night and it got me thinking: (among other things) "What would I do if I won a million dollars?" Except in my head, I said it like "What would I do if I won a Millon dollars?" because the talk-show-host totally made me laugh anytime he pronounced Millionaire! as Millonaire!


Since I don't have a millon dollars and won't anytime soon, I thought it'd be fun to pretend. And spend it. In my head.

Let's just pretend I won the millon dollars (of course I knew it was A! It was written!) and it magically showed up in my bank account. Also, magically, there were no taxes taken out. Hey, it's my prerogative.

Here, my friends, is how I would spend it. Every last penny. Until I was living paycheck to paycheck again.

Parents2@$100,000 $ 200,000
Siblings4@$ 5,000 $ 20,000
Friends6@$ 2,000 $ 12,000
House1@$100,000 $ 100,000
Student Loans1@$ 25,000 $ 25,000
Clothes1@$ 3,000 $ 3,000
Charity3@$100,000 $ 300,000
Vacation5@$ 3,000 $ 15,000
Decoration1@$ 25,000 $ 25,000
Savings1@$300,000 $ 300,000
Total$ 1,000,000

Okay, the first few are a doozy. Of course we'd have to compensate our parents accordingly. I am to the age where I understand the crazy sacrifices our parents made for us (what child/tween/teen "gets" that?) and so throw them a few bones and perhaps they can retire a year or two earlier. That would be nice.

Siblings and friends, of course, would need a nice chunk of change. I don't think it needs to go any further than that - cousins, aunts/uncles, college roommates (who don't fall into the "friend" category) etc. are not entitled to a piece of the pie. Sorry psycho roommate!

Next - House. Now, I'm not gonna pay off my house. Some may call me crazy. But I had to ration here, people! Throw $100k and I'm sure my payment would be manageable. Ok, what's funny is that after I wrote the previous sentence, I opened up my Loan Amortization Excel Spreadsheet (OF COURSE I HAVE ONE) and punched in my new amount should said Millon dollars appear in my account. My monthly payment would be roughly 25% of my current payment. Ummm. Apartments in Ann Arbor don't even cost that little. I stand by the $100k.

My next course of action would be to throw some bones at student loans to get that down to a pretty decent number, a number that doesn't make me cry for the year 2017 when we're free from stupid student loan payments.

Of course, I'll need to re-do the wardrobe (I'm thinking... stuff that FITS. Novel idea.). While I'm a Millonaire, I'm still a cheap mofo, so I'll stick to the mall. Three G should get me very very far in a mall.

Charity. Cannot forget charity. I can spare $100k for three near-and-dear to my heart charities. Arthritis Foundation. American Heart Association. Susan G. Komen. Done, done, and done.

Ahhh - decorations. I use this term to mean "omfg totelly P1MP out ma' cribbbbb". Basically, I'd like an expensive, high-quality sofa. Some new hardwood floors. A finished basement. Wait, can $25k cover that?! Ahh, am having doubts. Must re-prioritize!

That leaves me with a healthy $300k for... (boooooring) savings! You know, compound interest and shit. I'm down with exponential growth. Yeah, baby!

Well, so there you have it. This entire post was dreamed up while an amazing movie played out before my eyes. All of a sudden, the lights came on in the theater and people stood up as though it was the end of the movie. Except! It WAS the end of the movie. Oh shit.
[Yes, I do realize this pipe dream of $1M is totally not reality. Trust me. I get that. I read the scary articles (2.6M jobs lost in 2008? SCARY). At some point, you have to go to La-La-Land every once in a while. Me and That Point are currently, you know, talking.]

[Also, I totally did NOT draft this in my head while watching the movie. I was actually watching the movie. Great movie. Can I end another sentence with movie? Movie. Anyway, I actually drafted this thing while at work, thankyouverymuch. On second thought, oh shit. Probably shouldn't advertise any sense of un-productivity! On the internet!]