Sunday, May 30, 2004

JACK!! was it Fern Gully!?

Friday, May 28, 2004

you know.
I don't think I should even be blogging right now... so much going through my head. But you wouldn't be reading this if I wasn't writing it. So.

Co-op party. I show up, and see a few unfamiliar faces, which is somewhat usual, as there are sometimes "full time" employees (fresh graduates and such) who come to our co-op parties. It was at least an hour after I showed up that I was across from a guy I didn't know during our game of Flip Cups, and I leaned over and said "Hey I'm Lindsay."

He leaned back and said "Hey, I'm Kyle... from the Marines." Right away, I thought that was weird. From the Marines?... I thought. Huh. Okay. I wasn't sure what he meant by that, and didn't say anything in that 3/4 second lull. "I was shot so I am back for a month or so," he said, lifting up his Abercrombie or Old Navy cargos.

Sure enough, there was a quarter-sized hole, I truly can't describe what it looked like, and a 6" scar on either side of it. This was the first time he had mentioned being in the service in front of any of us, and a co-op on my left side thrust his hand out and said "Man, I respect you, thank you."

Kyle, from the Marines, said "Yeah, Fuck Them."

That's about the time I had to leave. Really, it's something that's hard to explain, walking that line of not offending those why feel strongly enough to risk their lives for "our country" (which wouldn't give a shit about them if they weren't serving -- and of course I say this without really knowing what I'm talking about) and yet still feeling strongly that these guys who say "Fuck Them" are probably in the same mentality as the other guys who sign up for service saying "Fuck Them" about us. It's just not about that, I think.

And yet I really know nothing, except to go outside and vent to my friends. "The Marines are brainwashed," one said, "taught to fight and kill no matter what." This was not helping. I looked through the porch door at this kid, thinking, "SHIT. He's been fighting in Iraq, and we've been IMing back and forth at work saying that GE is a bullshit company and that we don't do anything. How can we be drinking with this kid, talking about stuff, thinking that we are even ON THE SAME PAGE WITH HIM."

I felt bad, having to leave the conversation, but I really couldn't stand it. I went and waxed philosophical with some other kids, who didn't necessarily agree, but were kind enough to let me talk anyway. I just didn't understand the whole "let me shake your hand" mentality. On one point, I understand that you are risking your life for what you believe in. I just wonder if what you believe in really exists in reality.

On the other hand, isn't saying "let me shake your hand" condoning that mentality? Wouldn't I be saying "Yes, continue to kill those 'motherfuckers'" if I got all hyped up about it? I don't know. Regardless of whether or not I met "Kyle the Marine with a quarter-sized bullet in his leg and about to go back and kill some more motherfuckers," it's still going to go on. Meeting me (and me not even saying any of this to your face) is not going to change one damn thing, THAT I KNOW.

But it still made me sad, and realize the un-importance of every minute thing I think is bad in my life, and really concerned about people that I care about who are considering something like this. It's really all beyond me, and I think beyond most people. It's not something that can be decided by the masses, as evident today. It's really all beyond our scope, and we really just look like a bunch of fools talking about it.

Whatever. I know really know what else I can say about it. I don't think I want to right now.

Monday, May 24, 2004

I just worked the longest hours EVER. 6:30 am - 7:15 pm -- and I only took 1/2 hour for lunch! It was around 6pm when the 2nd shift union guys gave me a puzzled look and asked, "Overtime?" to which I shook my head, explained that I am salaried. "Then why the hell are you still here?!" I circled my forefinger around my temple, letting them know I was crazy. Crazy indeed.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

I always felt like some kind of freak because I had never seen The Princess Bride, which seems to be a staple on everyone born between 1979 and 1984's list of Best Movies Ever. Upon telling people I had never seen it, I received the sympathetic look, the look of complete shock, and the demand to "go and see it right this second!!!" I don't know which rock I was living under when the movie came out, or when it was at its peak -- I never even heard of it until high school.

I've made note to rent it on more than one occasion, but somehow was more enticed by the New Releases than the musty Blockbuster Favorites. It was actually by complete accident that I saw the 2 minutes of it that I could stomach. I had just finished watching Serendipity (swoon... John Cusack), and turned of the DVD player, and my cable was on AMC.

There was a large rat-type creature rolling around on the ground with an ugly blonde guy. The rat was gnawing on the guy, and he had huge bloddy fang-type teeth. Soon the picture moved to a long-haired blonde chick (who looked vaguely familiar) who was screaming like a stupid chick. Back to the dude and the rat fighting, and I got a nice view of the gigantic tail bestowed on the rat's ass. Then, all of a sudden, the rat caught on fire, the dude stands up and finds a sword on the ground and stabs the rat creature.

Horrified at the ridiculousness of the film, I reached for the remote and hit Info, where I was equally horrified to learn it was The Princess Bride (and realized it was Jennay! from Forrest Gump). THIS is what everyone was talking about? Are you kidding me? I thought I was the freak?

Monday, May 17, 2004

i just set my alarm clock for 4:45 a.m. FOUR. FORTY-FIVE. IN. THE. MORNING.
What to do in event of a sudden flash flood, #31a)

Saran wrap your Precious Moments collection and make like a tree... up into a tree... don't forget your floatation device.

What to do in event of a sudden flash flood, #31b)

Smear your body in crisco or a tub of whale blubber* in hopes of staying above the surface.

*whale blubber applicable when available.
There's only so many times you can hit Send/Receive, no one updates their blogs as frequently as I am looking for something to read, the last phone call I received to the tune of "how are you" was longer ago than I can remember, everyone is dating someone that isn't me, and it's during the week that the temperature is in the 80s and not until the weekend does it decide to rain and be gray. I truly realize that I am lucky to be safe and alive and healthy and breathing, but I am still allowed a disconnect between what I know I have and what I feel I have... which is nothing. It's shitty, feeling this way. Here's to hoping this turn around soon.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? Do I ever cross your mind, anytime? I miss you.

Friday, May 14, 2004

posting from email
i'm aware of how painful it is to read these... and it's friday, so therefore i hate you (i know that didn't make any sense, SUE ME!) and will give you this:

Nickname: Linds
Age: 22
Dependents: the cans of diet coke in my fridge... they depend on me to consume them
Method of wasting time: internet, sleep
Personality: INTJ
Priority One: mascara
Personal hell: dentist, interviews, having a really bad sunburn, reliving embarassing moments in my head
Livelihood: red hair, big breasts, charming personality
Blood type: O+
Candy: reeses peanut butter cups
That guy: sweating in the middle of a blizzard
Food nemesis: chinese buffet
Broken bone count: 0
Never been to: nyc, west coast, alaska
Soap: bath and body works, bergamot corriandor
Self-amusement: blogging, black and white developing
Astrological sign: aries
Worst class ever: physics 183, for scientists and engineers
Wornout childhood toy: barbies, strawberry shortcake kitchen, the book that starts out every page with "one pitch-black, very dark night" which my mom used to read "one-pitch-black (pause) VEEEERY-dark-night (pause) right-after-mother (pause) turned-off-the-light" etc.
Place of origin: michigan
Suspensions from school: 0... i was/am one of those people secretly terrified of breaking the rules, who hated the kids who would lecture the "bad" kids because it made them look like really annoying do-gooders, and really wished i was genetically coded to be bad and break a rule or two myself
Compulsive: budgeter, looking up words i'm unsure of on
Foible: i'm negative and cynical when nervous
Humor: sarcastic to the max when around the right people
Color: purple
Pizza: uno's chicken fajita, cpk's chicken thai
Lucky number: no way

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

I'll post soon. Muah.

Thursday, May 6, 2004

I want some spooning action... it's been too long!

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

I'm at my parents house trying to study for finals. I don't know if it's the fact that they're getting a new roof, and there are men pounding on the ceilings as we speak, or if it's my mom's constant nagging and complaining, or my upcoming move back to Fort Wayne... or a mixture of all three PLUS everything else that's bothering me that I HAVEN'T shared, but I am not being very productive studying.

And what's remarkable is that while browsing through my Material Science Engineering book, I noticed how the chapters have paralleled My Life as I Know It for the Past Two Years. Take a look:

Ch. 2: Atomic Structure and Interatomic Bonding
Boys, girls, protons, electrons... you get the picture.

Ch. 4: Imperfections in Solids
I thought this was quite humorous, considering I've used the word "solid" to describe my physical state as of late... only one of my many imperfections. (I'd call myself an "over-eater" but squirm away from that after seeing a particular S.A.T.C. episode a few weeks ago. I can't escape the Miranda connections!)

Ch. 7: Dislocations and Strengthening Mechanisms
The last 2 years have involved me moving around quite a bit and therefore building new relationships, however half-heartedly, and dissolving others, quite double-heartedly, if I may. I could go on and on about this one, but will spare you the minutes.

Ch. 8: Failure
I think the bold italics pretty much sums up that one. I know, a touch dramatic.

Ch. 16: Composites
This is my favorite chapter title, and a good way to end the comparison. While the previous chapters carried a slightly pessimistic tone (at least that's my attitude in writing it), the composite chapter discussed the influences of a plethora of different factors that affect composite materials, and how important each factor is on the material. (Material=me) The hybrid feeling to it is somewhat hopeful that one day I will not compare my life to the chapter on Failure or the monophase substance of ceramics.

I guess I am grateful that these didn't make it on my list of life-paralleling chapters:
Ch. 10: Phase Transformations in Metals: Development of Microstructure and Alteration of Mechanical Properties
Ch. 15: Characteristics, Applications, and Processes of Polymers
Ch. 18: Electrical Properties

Also, I am currently regretting not going to class for the last 6 weeks. This regret, however, will fortunately only last about 2 hours. And I would like to add that I am not as learned in these areas as me spouting off the chapter titles implies. I will likely 2.5 the class, 3.0 it at best.

****On another note, I finally have bragging rights to having a beta version of Gmail. </brag>