oh, i must just chuckle and laugh when my internet radio (complement of launch.yahoo.com, ie my savior at work) shuffles to "pony" by ginuwine. its times like that when i have a smile on my face, cuz who else listens to pony while at work?? oh, time for cheap b-dubs impersonating restaurant for lunch. mmm.

i feel like a shitty friend : \ its like, i know what i should be doing right now, but i fear that if i do, i will only irritate. i try and think what i would want someone to do in my place, and then i think, am i blowing everything out of proportion? i feel so in the dark, like i have no idea what is going on. and i think its my fault, unless someone turned out the light on their way out. in that case, i can really only stumble my way to the door, and feel around for the light switch. i'm thinking chances are slim.

ohhhhh my gosssssh. today is going so SLOWLY. i am just about dying over here. no one is updating their blogs. there is no new news in the last 15 minutes. i dont want to check the weather, as it will only depress me. i dont have anything to say in any email, so i just wont write them. hmmm. i want to bust out my book and read, or my journal, which is severly outdated, but i am scared i'll get "caught" like one of my bosses will come upstairs and see me "slacking off" and i don't know, not get mad at me, but think poorly of me. i already emailed one boss to see if he had anything for me to do, i guess you could consider that taking initiative, right? ahhhh, fuck this shit. i am so bored. i *almost*, just almost wish i were in a class right now. at least i could like look around the classroom and try and figure people out, or i dont know, pay attention or something. you know what i want to do right now? crank up my speakers, and play southpark TIMMY doing his little song. that would crack me up right about now. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii aaaaaaammmmmmmmmmm sooooooooooooooo booooooooooooorrrrrred.

i keep getting missed calls from "unavailable" so if it's yoooooooou who's calling me (chances, slim) please dont think i'm being a brat by not calling yooooou back, it's just that i dont know who yoooooou are! : D

i think i only have a few minutes before blogger shuts down for maintance, so i will try and think of what i want to say, instead of saying a bunch of shit that just peeks around the bushes and barely shows its face. 1) as much as i value this internship i am doing (first and foremost, paying off credit card debt, but also learning valuable work blah blah blllaaaaaahhhhhh), i think i'm missing out. i know it doesnt make sense, cuz i'm not SKIPPING semesters or anything. i mean, i have 2 semester until i graduate, so ultimately i'm delaying graduation by doing this, but i still feel like i'm missing out. i never really felt like i had a life, [i'm being sarcastic here, but we all know sarcasm is ultimately truth ; ) ] but here, i feel like i especially dont have a life. i dont know, i have friends here, but we're not friends. iiiiiii dont know. i am enjoying my time here, to an extent, dont get me wrong, but i just feel like i'm missing out. ahhhhhh, yet i still feel like i'm withholding. onward.
2) so my mom calls me with this weird story about how our phone service got shut off, and to call her on her cell phone if i needed to get ahold of my family. she called to investigate, and they told her "well, it seems your husband called to get your service shut off while you are on vacation." odd, cuz my parents ARE on vacation right now, but my dad never in his 48 years has done that. who DOES do that anyway? so ultimately, my mom was like, uhhhhh listen, turn our phone back on. well, then a few days later, actually the DAY they left for vacation, my mom opens the mail, and there is a copy of a credit card they already have. but with lionel smith's name on it. okaaaaaaay, this is strange. call up the credit card company. "ohhh, about that, lionel asked to be put on your account mr. smith" yeah, except we dont know any lionel's, except the richie kind that sings all night long but that's besides the point. "let me just open your account and take a look... okay it looks like he charged four thousand dollars and this store on this day blah blah"... okay can you imagine how fuming don is, especially since he would NEVER name his child lionel. (they're figuring 'lionel' pretended to be my dad's son or brother or something). so my dad asks "ok???? how did this happen, dont you like, i dont know, ask for identification?? orrrrrrrr perhaps require the cardholder to be present or something?!?!?!" i dont know how it happened, but it turns out it was "lionel" who called and pretended to be my dad to shut off our phone, in case the credit card company called our house asking for verification. isnt that fuuuuuucked up??!! ugh it pisssses me off like no other. especially because the phone company is supposed to ask for social security verification (i guess lionel could have my dad's SSN, which means even more trouble...) but more than likely they didn't. so these lame people arent doing their job and shit like this happens. arg.
3.) ok, how come i didn't know eminem was coming to detroit this summer until AFTER tickets are sold out! boooo
4) four is a good number to end on... ii'm just grasping for something to say. hmmmm. i enlarged this really cool picture this week in the dark room, it has a really old feel to it. it was fun, we were only supposed to make contact sheets, but i had taken a photo class before, so i knew how to use the enlarger and stuff, and this mom-lady i'm friends with reeeeally wanted to enlarge this picture, so i like whispered to her "hey, i know how to use this... you wanna make one?" like we were doing something we weren't supposed to. her eyes got all big and she was like "you know how to use it?!" so we started enlarging. well everyone came over and was like oooooooo what are you doooooing and jan and i (how cute is that, can you picture this kind of ... motherly looking 40-something named jan?!) kind of showed them how to use the enlarger and by the end of the night, like 10 out of the 12 of us had printed. poor old bill, our instructor, was like kind of sad that we had jumped ahead, and was like "what are we gonna do next week?" i felt sooooo bad, cuz he's just so excited about teaching us and stuff, and here i go, egging people on to jump ahead. okay, what started off as a positive 4) (printing something cool) ended up making me feel kind of guilty :::insert red-faced AIM smiley::: but oh well. it was still cool. ok thats it. good night folks, i bid you adieu.

audblog audio post

ok, over the past 3 days, i have spent a grand total of 32 hours at work, that's almost 11 hours a day. i soooooo want to put one of those aol faces, with the foot in the mouth. not that i have my foot in my mouth, or ever did have my foot in my mouth, but i think it adequately displays my mood and attitude right now. kind of dazed and confused. ahhhhh, time for film class! actually, if i think about it, this has been the best day i've had in fort wayne yet. i taught a 7th grade class this morning (about finance and shit, another story completely), tutored delquan and darious (my favorite 5th grade twins), and now i have my b&w class which i just love. shit, i sound so positive. what the? anyway, i must jet.

p.s. wait, it is tied for favorite fort wayne day, tied with the day i set a personal guinness record. ooooooh for what, you are probably wondering?

ohhhhhh myyyyyyy gosh, i am sooooooo weirded out right now!!! read this: this was me being totally random and taking a chance at IMing someone i never DREAMED would remember me:

linds1982smith: this is a totally random IM, but i am looking thru the Munich Intl School website where they have little paragraphs about people... and i thought it was so funny to see you, cuz i can distinctl remember you from when i went there in 6th grade, you were on my hour-long bus ride home ( i think you were a year older). i thought that was just way too random to pass up IMing you
Desty Nova79: uhmm and who might u be dear?
linds1982smith: my name is my screen name
linds1982smith: i only went there for a year, and i only knew you from the bus
Desty Nova79: did u have a brother?
linds1982smith: yeah
linds1982smith: Eric Smith
Desty Nova79: i think i remember you
Desty Nova79: blonde girl right?
linds1982smith: redhead actually
Desty Nova79: readhead.....
Desty Nova79: did u live outside of herrsching?
linds1982smith: you were maybe 7th or 8th grade
linds1982smith: yeah
Desty Nova79: now i remember
Desty Nova79: you had that ring with the hands holding the heart
linds1982smith: i didn't expect you to remember me, i just thought it was funny to see someone i recognized
linds1982smith: okay, i'm spooked right now, cuz i have that ring on!!!
Desty Nova79: u actually explained to be wich way it points
Desty Nova79: hahaha
Desty Nova79: sure i remember you
linds1982smith: whoaaaaa thats weird as hell
Desty Nova79: hahah


ok, isn't that weeeeeird. first of all, no one ever remembers me!!! i am not even kidding... and this random guy named jerome (cher-rrrrrome... oh shit, didn't even do it justice. the way he said it was pure beauty) who was on my hour-long bus ride from our wee village into the city where our school was... he not only rememberd me, but rememberd my ring (i didn't even know i had it in 6th grade) AND i am wearing the same freaking ring at this exact moment. the stars must be aligned today, this is trippin me out. i think i need a joint. : P j/k maybe a beer. haha later folks.

i have been steadfast in reading my friends blogs (all of you who stalk your stalkers would probably realize this...) but haven't even been keeping up my own! i feel like last week was crazy, but in hindsight, i cant' really remember what about it made me feel so overwhelmed. i remember wednesday... i was out of my apartment from like 7 am til 10 pm. wednesdays i tutor a 5th grader (this is during work though) named delquan. we're supposed to do math and whatnot, but delquan isn't such a fan of the numbers, for he is a poet. really, he's such a sweet kid, a romantic at such a young age. he wrote me a poem (well, i find out, more like dedicated to me...) that started out something like "love is like a dove" and went on, so made my heart stop for a second before i realized it was a 10 year old reading to me. : P anyway, the poem went on and was saying how this man, he saw this young girl, "so fair" and essentially dumped the girl he was with for this beauty. then, she got all lazy and stuff, and the last line was "and then his wife turned into a slob." i was like "delquan!?!? thaaaaaanks" and he just laughed and said it wasn't about me, but just for me. oh, it's the thought that counts, right? always. then, (ugh) i was conned into going to the mall to interview people about what they thought an engineer was, and stupid questions like that, for this engineer's week dinner we're having at GE this week. sooo not fun. the last thing i want to do is go up to complete strangers and ask them boring questions about engineers, considering i don't even like engineering. then, i had my film class, which was the highlight of my mid-week. i found out 3 of the 12 people in the class are spartans, which for whatever reason made me feel all warm inside (joke) but really, it excited me for some weird (non-sexual) reason. i loooooove being back in the darkroom. it feels so good to be somewhat creative, although i don't know if i could do it for a living or anything. i think i have a creative cap, something like 12 minutes or so. whatever, it gives me something to look forward to, thank goodness. thursday we had a co-op bbq. it wasn't too bad, i mean, for a co-op bbq. since i am on the "social committee" (what a joke) i had to run around going grocery shopping with the other "committee memebers" and tally up people and all that other not-fun stuff. blah. friday, i had a valentine! he was a little late getting up here, and i fell asleep on the couch while watching harry and sally, then i woke up and like thought it was the next day and that i had missed valentines day. hahaha. like it is an event or something. we went out for dinner, and the restaurant had these random fan things circling around the ceiling. okay, that doesn't do justice to the weirdness of whatever was going on up there, but anyway. it was nice to have a valentine for once. especially a valentine who would drive for almost 3 hours to see me! saturday... lazy day. i watched movies and ate pizza and fell asleep at like 10:30. looking back on it, i should have gone out... oh well, over it. i bought "my big fat greek wedding", which i plan on watching every day for the next 2 weeks. just kidding. but i do think it is an especially cute movie. i wish i had an aunt voula. so, joe millionairre (i never know how to spell millionairre!!) finale tonight! who-hoo! last week i was so freaking mad they left us hanging like that. there was even an article on cnn.com about how people are boycotting watching the last episode and stuff, but i'm like "give me my joe millionairre!!" ahhh, to lead a boring life, there's nothing like it. i do have tons of other stories to tell, but you'd die if i went through all of them, they paint too sad a picture of my too sad a life. (i.e. my joy of finding a new grocery store, orrrrrrrr how funny it strikes me when i wake up and there are people on my buddly list who still haven't gone to bed, orrrrrrrr how getting personal mail makes me jump up and down -- see these all make me seem like some kind of 2-legged freak. oh wait, i am a 2-legged freak! ahhhh). alright. this officially concludes my blog for today, i think i've said too much. i haven't said enough.

you know you need to get out more when.... you call someone out on IM at work, and he responds with "oh hush" which just sends you in a frenzy laughing your ass off, until you realize this is no normal IM conversation, and in fact, you are at work, and probably should not be laughing out loud. but you know what, to hell with them (still not quite sure who "they" are considering i work practically out of earshot of anyone), if i wanna laugh at work, i will laugh at work. ESPECIALLY when a grown man (19 yr old grown man) tells me to hush. i dont think i've ever in my whole life told someone to hush. annnnnnnd i'm done, now that i realize this sounds very stupid.

I am scared of the things upcoming
And I want for the things I don't have
Cannot stand to be one of many
I'm not what they are

-guster

i probably, no definately, shouldn't be blogging at work. i'd fire me if i could.

friday come sooner.

i see her from afar at first; she is in the parking lot of the amoco at the intersection of maple and telegraph. the big streetlights are shining down on her, not even casting light on any other thing in sight. she holds on her shoulder a bag, made of cheap and fake leather, and struggles to make her way across the lot. i approach the gas station on my right in my car. the hot air is coming out of the floor vents and face vents, and i, from the comfort of the car, see her shiver and readjust her hood.
i pull into the parking lot across the street from the amoco she's leaving; she heads across maple in my path. i try to avoid staring, but can't help it as i try to figure out if she's homeless. i carefully and slowly climb out of my mercury mountaineer, clicking the automatic lock button twice. the horn sounds once loudly, breaking the silence, alerting me i've armed my car. she is now travelling down the sidewalk, and i hear her talk. she's about fifty feet away, but her voice sounds and echoes against the brick walls of the strip of stores before us. she is babbling, rambling, words spin out of her mouth: nothing she says makes sense, and i cannot even comprehend a word. she continues to talk and clutch her bag as she treks down the walk.
just as i approach the double doors of the store i'm about to enter, she stops walking and talking. she and i are the only ones around; i'm aware of our existence, and wonder if she is too. my warm hand trembles at the touch of the cold, expensive-looking brass door handle, but i rest it there for a moment before entering. we lock eyes and hold a gaze for a long moment; maybe a mere second, but that second seems to stretch on and on, forever.
i feel a sense of responsibility for that woman at that very moment. though i've never met her, i feel a sense of duty towards her. i naively wonder what her story is. what is she doing roaming down telegraph, with a dirty purse on her shoulder? what could possibly fill that bag? doesn't she have a family to go to, to support her? what'll happen when i break the trance we seem to be in?
a sudden gust of winter wind overcomes me and i am suddenly brought back to reality. she adjusts the hood of her dirty coat once more and starts walking. all i can think of is to offer her a smile, a hopeful offering of peace. she smiles a half-smile back, sort of a remorseful acknowledgement of her situation. her eyes warm up and for a moment, she is free. i stand still as she slowly trudges by me. my head stays cocked to where she stood a few seconds ago. she has already walked off of the sidewalk of the small stripmall and is making her way into the snowy parking lot of J & J Associates law firm next door. i finally walk into the bookstore, and the warm air fills me with a false sense of security.

i constantly have to remind myself not to believe what other people tell me about myself... for if i do, i will only become what they say of me, and not who i think i really am. sometimes its hard, though, and i find myself being that person because it's what's expected of me. does this make me weak?

the top of the white hutch held by the white desk holds knickknacks and trinkets. on the left, back in the dusty corner shadowed by a dutch doll and a red mexican maraca, stands a purple wax hand. it's slightly bigger than my own; the fingers are chunky and bulky, and the creases in the knuckles are visible. the index and pinky fingers are erected, the forefinger faintly skewed. it's premature arthritis, i guess. the thumb is slightly cocked, but in a relaxed position, just sitting there. the middle and ring fingers are bent at the middle knuckle, yet not so much as to be touching the palm of the hand. with all fingers in place, the hand forms the sign language phrase "i love you." from my queen-sized bed, when i'm sitting in the perfect position, i can see its waxy surface and slight shine from the muted, dull overhead lights and wonder whom the cryptic message is from.

dear blog, sorry i have been neglecting you... i must confess, i may be falling out of love with you, and back in love with the paper blog that is my journal. bear with me.