A couple of things:

Whenever I drink, I sometimes am afraid I will either call you or IM you and totally pour my heart out and let you know how I feel. This scares me for a few reasons:
- I could totally mis-dial or mis-click and leave a horribly un-thought-out, yet confusedly heartfelt voicemail/IM on someone else's machine.
- The fact that I could only express my true feelings after a few drinks is a bad indicator of how I conduct my emotional business.
- The whole Rejection thing. Because that is invitable.

So instead, I repress the feelings and blog about it instead. I am a model of the Emotionally Stable Adult. I do hope you are taking notes.

Another thing: I realized that I have had this 'blog' for over 4 years now. Now I don't even want to get into the whole "holy shit, time is flying" talk, so instead, I will give you my first Retrospect.

October 2001
- stressed about school, I had just started my 2nd year of college and started taking my engineering classes, and they were harder than I expected.
- excited for study abroad; I had just signed up and been accepted into the program in Dublin, Ireland, and there was not one day that I did not think about how excited I was for the trip. It turned out to be the best summer of my life.
- boys. I wanted to date and such, what is new?
- An excerpt:

i've said it before and i'll say it again, i want to go on a date! i'm too chicken shit to make any first moves, i'm stupid like that. now i understand how guys feel... cuz they sort of are expected to make the first move, i bet they're always so freaking nervous! just thinking about telling a guy point blank that i'm interested in him... hahaha riiiiiiiight i could never do that, at least i can't imagine myself doing that... well not sober anyway. sounds like it's time for me to get drunk.

Uhh, did you read the first part of this post? Enough said.

October 2002
- I wrote about boys, again, and how I got asked out. I think this was the one time a guy properly asked me out in college, and the night of our date, my sister ended up in the hospital and I ended up driving home to be with my family and missed the date. We re-scheduled a few times but I never actually saw him again.
- I tried marijuana for the 2nd time and totally tripped out -- the first time I did not get high. To this day, I am certain it was laced with something, because I never felt that high any other time I have ever smoked.
- I had a pretty big crush on a guy I knew (in my head) was gay, but hoped (in my heart) he wasn't. Of course, he totally was, but I was over it very soon after.
- A few excerpts:

i think i may have just gotten asked out. i don't know, considering i'm asked out all the time (and by all the time, i mean never at all) i was all cool on the phone, even saying once "ok i'm being a complete tool right now" to him. and how true that is. I AM A TOOL. also, i have decided (without even going out with this guy) that i dont like to date! it's so uncomfortable! cuz really, you know nothing about the other person, so what does that even give you? one night hook-ups are also not my thing, which puts a damper on things when you realize that he just wants to get laid. anyway, i really do have to write a paper, that is not an excuse, so i gotta start on that. big right.

Mood changes are often accompanied by altered perceptions of time and space. Thinking processes become disrupted by fragmentary ideas and memories. Many users report increased appetite, heightened sensory awareness, and general feelings of pleasure."

ya think?

why do i have to have a mini on paul... always pick the ones that aren't interested in me

my room, among other things in my life right now, is in a state of chaos. when i first read the word "chaos" i said "chay-oh's" and my mom and friend erin thought i was so stupid. i laughed too.
i just ate a pack of donuts from the vending machine! i think this is the first time ever i have ever bought donuts, and they were from a vending machine! ewwww.
i really don't have time to be writing a blog right now, seeing as how i have homework due tomorrow (average time of completion = 5 hrs), a lab due tomorrow (last week's lab = 11 pgs), work from 5pm-11pm, and a hard-ass exam on friday (last exam's grade = 16/30... last exam's amount of studying prior to exam = 15+ hours). so are you picking up on the level of stress i am going through right now? hence the donuts.

October 2003
- I write the ubiquitous "I love fall" blog, which turned into my ubiquitous "I think about death"-toned thoughts.
- I whine about Indiana and their prediliction for Walmart, and lack of Cider Mills.
- I speak in code, and it was futile, as I don't know what I was talking about two years later, which defeats the purpose. I have no idea who Budda-Pat was.
- A few excerpts:

i love fall. the changing colors, the pumpkins and leaves, wool and boots and boa scarves, realizing i'm just repeating the blog i wrote 2 years ago... hmm change of direction.
as i drove down my street last night, the lone driver on the mile-long stretch of slim road, i turned the radio off and opened my windows all the way. the wind gushed and caused fresh air to circulate and swirl my hair around, and leaves fell on my car. i gasped inwardly at the beauty of fall, and at that moment realized that the beauty we all talk about, really, is the beauty of death.

franklin cider mill seems so far away today... :_(
walmart cider doesn't even come close to theirs.
i hate walmart to begin with.

I’ve decided that I want one (well, that had already been decided… re-affirmed is a better choice of word) all the while remembering that I want to wait. Second-hand Buddha Pat’s and my mom’s advice still rings in my ears loudly on that subject. Baby steps.

October 2004
- I had only 3 blogs in October 2004.
- One about a boy. Duh. Reading this makes my heart pang, literally.
- One about a silly moment with a friend, and reading this actually makes me miss college.
- One about my dad's 50th birthday party. Reading this makes me glad I recorded it for me to read in the future.
- Here they are:

As much as I want to, I can't forget the way you made me feel.
I can't forget the way you made me feel.
Not like, happy, or sad,
Just the fact that I did.

Look at him. He's the size of my right breast. I highly doubt he could kill anyone with a bayonet." -me, re: Harold from Harold and Maude, during "movies-and-a-forty" night.


I had a great weekend celebrating my dad's 50th birthday. He had about 50 of his friends (how appropriate) and family over and there was good food and good wine and laughter and drinking and talking and such. I hope to have such good fortune in my future; in fact, it's something I think about all the time. My parents will celebrate their 25th anniversary in a couple of weeks, and that, too, is something that haunts me in a good way. I should only hope to be so lucky.

October 2005
- Again, only 3 blogs this month, not including this one. All three are pointless and lame. Scroll below to read.
- My lack of direction and/or interesting topic, or even making a boring topic interesting, are very telling.
- I talk about men (see how I call them 'men' now? instead of boys?) although my tone is much more negative, which is funny because it's not like I've had all of these heartbreaks or disappointments that have given me such a cynical view. It's the exact opposite, the lack thereof, that has turned me into the spinster I seem to be. How fucking bogue.

Anyway, that's that. Things are actually good now. I am in a good state of mind, I don't hate myself, and that feels fucking fantastic. I veritably cannot complain.

Except, I can! And will!.... Now if only I can work on the 'getting laid' part...

A short list:

- Decisiveness
- Before Sunrise/Before Sunset DVD Combo
- Mom b-day present
- S, S, & S
- Quit being icy

So, I joined friendster.com when one of my friends emailed me, or, rather, Friendster.com emailed me when he provided them with my email address. So, over the course of the last year I have been signed up for the networking group, or what have you, I have received a few emails from strangers hoping to find love on the internet. Usually I just ignore the emails and pretend like I didn't even receive them. But sometimes you get really good ones, and you just have to share with the internet:

-From Vincent, 31, from Rochester Hills:
looking for someone who, and I quote, poor spelling/punctuation and all, "someone who enjoys long walks good coffey and has a good sense of humor and loves childern"
FIRST OF ALL: learn how to spell 'coffee' and also: don't tell women you are looking for a woman who loves children. Nothing screams STAY AWAY like "I hope you like the prospect of bearing my children, and did I tell you I want five? Two years apart?"

Also, your messages should NOT read: "so do you ever cook tai chi or do pad tai then drink chai tea? just kidding." Because you do not cook tai chi, your perform tai chi. You do not do pad thai, you eat pad thai. You are a dork, and should be banned from the keyboard.

-From Christian, 38, from Ferndale:
"Here is a picture of me, with ankle weights, useful in working out the lower abs, they were a graduation gift."
Ummm..... ??????????? I know that was a ridiculous use of punctuation, but I wanted to convey my confusion and I hope that adequately accomplished that. What a useless statement, and that surely will not pique my interest. Even if I had an iota of interest in internet people, that would not be the way to grab it. Rule number Infinity in internet-flirting: Do not send people pictures of you with your ankle weights on. It will most certainly not get you laid, despite how ripped your lower abs are.

And lastly:
-From some dude, I don't care where he was from, how old he is, or what his name is:
"You look really really young in your pictures, are yoU? lol... hit me up to chat"
You've got to be kidding me. He pretty much tells me he's looking for jailbait. I want to track his IP address and alert the authorities, but I'm not even really sure what an IP address is, nor who to contact in those situations. Still, I felt like I needed a shower after reading that, I felt that dirty just reading his message.

So, thank you, frienster, but NO THANK YOU. I'll just continue to not date and lie to my dental hygenist when she does the whole "So, tell me about your love life" spiel while she scrapes plaque off of my teeth. At least that gives me some time to think up a good story.

A few things, in short:

I was at the shoe store today (DSW, if you must know), and there was some creepy guy lurking around the 7.5/8 sale aisles. Every once in a while, he'd pass me, looking downward at my feet but feigning to look at the ground. Then he'd pretend to peruse the sale shoes like he was looking for something for a wife or mistress or daughter. I saw him no fewer than three times, and last saw him asking a woman in the aisle where the bathroom was. I can only dread to think about what he was going in there to do... no, I'm not a pervert for thinking that, for it's true: I was stalked by Foot-Fetish guy at the shoe store. Grosssss dude.

Secondly: I paid off my credit card(s) this week. No small feat, I promise. I graduated with close to 5-figure credit card debt. So I'm mighty excited to not have that looming over my head, and can sleep a little easier at night (no joke).

I love it when you're talking to someone, and you think you know what they're saying but don't want to flat out ask "So what you're really saying is..." but then you eventually realize that your intuition is right and then you can admit that you are guilty of the same crime, so to speak. It's really quite fun, the game of beating around the bush.

Up North this weekend Bitches! Don't cry for me, Detroit. I'll be back in the 'hood sooner than you can say BITCH WHERE YOU AT?! Keep it real, or die trying. OMG WHEN DID I THINK I COULD TALK LIKE THAT!?

First things first: I just read that Donald Trump's wife is pregnant. You do realize that this means DONALD TRUMP IS GETTING LAID AND I AM NOT.

Next: I also read somewhere, a long time ago, on a blog out there somewhere a quote that read "You don't have to work for an asshole." And while I will not write about work here on the internet, I will say this: I was repeating those words to myself for well over 15 minutes today, with such a mixture of anger and sadness that I was getting quite incensed in the car on my way home, so much so that I had to stop at the Cider Mill for some distraction.

Which brings me to my next point: THE CIDER MILL! THEEEEEEE CIDER MILL. The Cider Mill. The Cider Mill. The Cider Mill. I think you get my point here.

Also: I'm becoming increasingly aware that my general bad mood-slash-negativity is actually, imagine this!, apparent to other people and that it may be annoying. There's nothing I dread more in the world than being that girl. Well, except maybe childbirth. But seriously, gross, who wants to be the annoying, negative person in the group. On the other hand, I hate just grinning and bearing it (you know what I mean.....) Eh, who the fuck cares anyway. I'm so bored by what I just wrote.

On that note, I think I'm going to go bowling tonight. You know, hurl large, heavy objects around...

Now that my hissy fit is over (READ: I'm bi-polar), I can talk about other things, such as:

-How scary it is when my dog is asleep, with her eyes rolled back in her head, but her eyelids are open so all I see is the whites of her eyes plus the blood red of her eyelids, then she starts shaking and howling in her sleep. I feel like it's a preview to the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. It's really fucking freaky. I don't know if I should go grab myself a rosary or some vinegar or something that wards off evil spirits... at any rate, I'm scared to get up from my computer for the fear of awakening a demon who has taken over her body or something. Okay, enough about the dog...

-Change is good. I told someone that recently, and am going to try and make myself belive it's true for myself as well. Well, I know it's true, but I just need to execute now. Blah blah.

-The last episode of Six Feet Under? Make me cry like a baby every single time! At first, I thought it was just because I was PMSing or something, you know, being a woman and all. Then I thought I got that lump in my throat because I was getting sick, but nope, the floodgates that are my tearducts decided to give way and pour open. Honestly, I'm a little saddened it's over. Like, my life feels a little less great. Is that fucked up? Is it?

-A little eye contact can do wonders. Friday morning, after a night of drinking like I was in college or something (I actually went out twice for drinks, in one night. This, I swear, is a rarity.), I stopped at Starbucks to get my new drink, a Venti shaken passion tea with Valencia. Actually, I got two because I was so parched. Anyway, I was in a Debbie-kind-of-mood, and the kid behind the counter made eye contact with me and smiled. And I have to tell you? It kind of warmed my frigid heart. Isn't that a sweet story?

-Note to self, and to internet: Find out when Dairy Delux closes for the season. I'll be damned if I miss going there one last time this 'summer'.

-So, Tiger's game tomorrow. While I find baseball to be just about the last sport I would ever choose to watch, I am excited to get out to Detroit/Comerica Park. I've only been there once, if memory serves me right, and it's about damn time I get back there. Shout-out to Kare/Jame for the brill ide. (See how I'm in the habit now of not finishing spelling words? WTF?)

-Some people suck!!

Holy hell, I'm really fucking awkward. I totally lied about having sassy stories, as I only had 1 drink, did not act or try to act social one single bit, and was almost pouting. I am becoming a cautionary tale! This is not right!!

Hell, I am writing a post on a 'blog' at 12:30 on a Saturday night. At my parent's house. Who are not even home. Meaning I have the entire house to myself! To throw parties, or have one-night-stands, or go buck wild. Instead I berate myself and drink red wine while watching Sex and the City reruns while totally and utterly ignoring the blatant signs of being a total fucking loser.

The good news is, I'm not in love with you, I'm just in love with your type. While this is not groundbreaking news, it is somewhat comforting.

Kids, hold on to the seat of your pants... and refresh often! I expect to write some sassy blogs tonight while buzzed. I am even somewhat "dressed up" so I can hope to have at least one good story, including but not limited to being hit on by 40-year-old men. Ah, to be single and 23...

How have you been lately? Business as usual? I feel I could use more excitement these days, you know? I find myself bored at times, and I'm too young to be bored. Ever get that feeling? Like I should be doing awesome, crazy things. Maybe I watch too many movies.

Ah, such is life. Wise words from my main FW man MW. Other words to live by:

"You was a fine motherfucker, won't you back that ass up?"

In very related news, I need to get drunkenly silly and make-out.

In not so related news, YOUR MOM.

Josh has good (often drunk, I think?) mini-blogs that make me wish I didn't depend on my parent's ghetto PC that would die if I tried to download wBloggar. Cuz I sure as hell am too lazy to sign onto blogger.com and try to remember my user/password everytime I have a witty 15-second fleeting thought. THEME OF MY LIFE AS OF LATE: FLEETING THOUGHTS. Anyway, it certaily serves as a barometer of my psyche if nothing else but internet diarrhea for you to get annoyed with. And either way? I DON'T CARE.