Thursday, October 13, 2005

So, I joined when one of my friends emailed me, or, rather, emailed me when he provided them with my email address. So, over the course of the last year I have been signed up for the networking group, or what have you, I have received a few emails from strangers hoping to find love on the internet. Usually I just ignore the emails and pretend like I didn't even receive them. But sometimes you get really good ones, and you just have to share with the internet:

-From Vincent, 31, from Rochester Hills:
looking for someone who, and I quote, poor spelling/punctuation and all, "someone who enjoys long walks good coffey and has a good sense of humor and loves childern"
FIRST OF ALL: learn how to spell 'coffee' and also: don't tell women you are looking for a woman who loves children. Nothing screams STAY AWAY like "I hope you like the prospect of bearing my children, and did I tell you I want five? Two years apart?"

Also, your messages should NOT read: "so do you ever cook tai chi or do pad tai then drink chai tea? just kidding." Because you do not cook tai chi, your perform tai chi. You do not do pad thai, you eat pad thai. You are a dork, and should be banned from the keyboard.

-From Christian, 38, from Ferndale:
"Here is a picture of me, with ankle weights, useful in working out the lower abs, they were a graduation gift."
Ummm..... ??????????? I know that was a ridiculous use of punctuation, but I wanted to convey my confusion and I hope that adequately accomplished that. What a useless statement, and that surely will not pique my interest. Even if I had an iota of interest in internet people, that would not be the way to grab it. Rule number Infinity in internet-flirting: Do not send people pictures of you with your ankle weights on. It will most certainly not get you laid, despite how ripped your lower abs are.

And lastly:
-From some dude, I don't care where he was from, how old he is, or what his name is:
"You look really really young in your pictures, are yoU? lol... hit me up to chat"
You've got to be kidding me. He pretty much tells me he's looking for jailbait. I want to track his IP address and alert the authorities, but I'm not even really sure what an IP address is, nor who to contact in those situations. Still, I felt like I needed a shower after reading that, I felt that dirty just reading his message.

So, thank you, frienster, but NO THANK YOU. I'll just continue to not date and lie to my dental hygenist when she does the whole "So, tell me about your love life" spiel while she scrapes plaque off of my teeth. At least that gives me some time to think up a good story.

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