Sunday, October 23, 2005

A couple of things:

Whenever I drink, I sometimes am afraid I will either call you or IM you and totally pour my heart out and let you know how I feel. This scares me for a few reasons:
- I could totally mis-dial or mis-click and leave a horribly un-thought-out, yet confusedly heartfelt voicemail/IM on someone else's machine.
- The fact that I could only express my true feelings after a few drinks is a bad indicator of how I conduct my emotional business.
- The whole Rejection thing. Because that is invitable.

So instead, I repress the feelings and blog about it instead. I am a model of the Emotionally Stable Adult. I do hope you are taking notes.

Another thing: I realized that I have had this 'blog' for over 4 years now. Now I don't even want to get into the whole "holy shit, time is flying" talk, so instead, I will give you my first Retrospect.

October 2001
- stressed about school, I had just started my 2nd year of college and started taking my engineering classes, and they were harder than I expected.
- excited for study abroad; I had just signed up and been accepted into the program in Dublin, Ireland, and there was not one day that I did not think about how excited I was for the trip. It turned out to be the best summer of my life.
- boys. I wanted to date and such, what is new?
- An excerpt:
i've said it before and i'll say it again, i want to go on a date! i'm too chicken shit to make any first moves, i'm stupid like that. now i understand how guys feel... cuz they sort of are expected to make the first move, i bet they're always so freaking nervous! just thinking about telling a guy point blank that i'm interested in him... hahaha riiiiiiiight i could never do that, at least i can't imagine myself doing that... well not sober anyway. sounds like it's time for me to get drunk.

Uhh, did you read the first part of this post? Enough said.

October 2002
- I wrote about boys, again, and how I got asked out. I think this was the one time a guy properly asked me out in college, and the night of our date, my sister ended up in the hospital and I ended up driving home to be with my family and missed the date. We re-scheduled a few times but I never actually saw him again.
- I tried marijuana for the 2nd time and totally tripped out -- the first time I did not get high. To this day, I am certain it was laced with something, because I never felt that high any other time I have ever smoked.
- I had a pretty big crush on a guy I knew (in my head) was gay, but hoped (in my heart) he wasn't. Of course, he totally was, but I was over it very soon after.
- A few excerpts:

i think i may have just gotten asked out. i don't know, considering i'm asked out all the time (and by all the time, i mean never at all) i was all cool on the phone, even saying once "ok i'm being a complete tool right now" to him. and how true that is. I AM A TOOL. also, i have decided (without even going out with this guy) that i dont like to date! it's so uncomfortable! cuz really, you know nothing about the other person, so what does that even give you? one night hook-ups are also not my thing, which puts a damper on things when you realize that he just wants to get laid. anyway, i really do have to write a paper, that is not an excuse, so i gotta start on that. big right.

Mood changes are often accompanied by altered perceptions of time and space. Thinking processes become disrupted by fragmentary ideas and memories. Many users report increased appetite, heightened sensory awareness, and general feelings of pleasure."

ya think?

why do i have to have a mini on paul... always pick the ones that aren't interested in me

my room, among other things in my life right now, is in a state of chaos. when i first read the word "chaos" i said "chay-oh's" and my mom and friend erin thought i was so stupid. i laughed too.
i just ate a pack of donuts from the vending machine! i think this is the first time ever i have ever bought donuts, and they were from a vending machine! ewwww.
i really don't have time to be writing a blog right now, seeing as how i have homework due tomorrow (average time of completion = 5 hrs), a lab due tomorrow (last week's lab = 11 pgs), work from 5pm-11pm, and a hard-ass exam on friday (last exam's grade = 16/30... last exam's amount of studying prior to exam = 15+ hours). so are you picking up on the level of stress i am going through right now? hence the donuts.

October 2003
- I write the ubiquitous "I love fall" blog, which turned into my ubiquitous "I think about death"-toned thoughts.
- I whine about Indiana and their prediliction for Walmart, and lack of Cider Mills.
- I speak in code, and it was futile, as I don't know what I was talking about two years later, which defeats the purpose. I have no idea who Budda-Pat was.
- A few excerpts:

i love fall. the changing colors, the pumpkins and leaves, wool and boots and boa scarves, realizing i'm just repeating the blog i wrote 2 years ago... hmm change of direction.
as i drove down my street last night, the lone driver on the mile-long stretch of slim road, i turned the radio off and opened my windows all the way. the wind gushed and caused fresh air to circulate and swirl my hair around, and leaves fell on my car. i gasped inwardly at the beauty of fall, and at that moment realized that the beauty we all talk about, really, is the beauty of death.

franklin cider mill seems so far away today... :_(
walmart cider doesn't even come close to theirs.
i hate walmart to begin with.

I’ve decided that I want one (well, that had already been decided… re-affirmed is a better choice of word) all the while remembering that I want to wait. Second-hand Buddha Pat’s and my mom’s advice still rings in my ears loudly on that subject. Baby steps.

October 2004
- I had only 3 blogs in October 2004.
- One about a boy. Duh. Reading this makes my heart pang, literally.
- One about a silly moment with a friend, and reading this actually makes me miss college.
- One about my dad's 50th birthday party. Reading this makes me glad I recorded it for me to read in the future.
- Here they are:

As much as I want to, I can't forget the way you made me feel.
I can't forget the way you made me feel.
Not like, happy, or sad,
Just the fact that I did.

Look at him. He's the size of my right breast. I highly doubt he could kill anyone with a bayonet." -me, re: Harold from Harold and Maude, during "movies-and-a-forty" night.

I had a great weekend celebrating my dad's 50th birthday. He had about 50 of his friends (how appropriate) and family over and there was good food and good wine and laughter and drinking and talking and such. I hope to have such good fortune in my future; in fact, it's something I think about all the time. My parents will celebrate their 25th anniversary in a couple of weeks, and that, too, is something that haunts me in a good way. I should only hope to be so lucky.

October 2005
- Again, only 3 blogs this month, not including this one. All three are pointless and lame. Scroll below to read.
- My lack of direction and/or interesting topic, or even making a boring topic interesting, are very telling.
- I talk about men (see how I call them 'men' now? instead of boys?) although my tone is much more negative, which is funny because it's not like I've had all of these heartbreaks or disappointments that have given me such a cynical view. It's the exact opposite, the lack thereof, that has turned me into the spinster I seem to be. How fucking bogue.

Anyway, that's that. Things are actually good now. I am in a good state of mind, I don't hate myself, and that feels fucking fantastic. I veritably cannot complain.

Except, I can! And will!.... Now if only I can work on the 'getting laid' part...

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