Friday, December 14, 2001

i don't know where to draw the line with myself. sometimes i just need to regulate my thoughts, like have a referee up there to say "no that's definately a personal foul, one more from you and you're out of the game" and sometimes to blow the whistle on the other guy and let me know that i was indeed being wronged, and no it was not just my imagination. but the bottom line, and yes, the BOTTOM line, is that i need to learn some self-regulation. surely it can be done. it cannot be unattainable. nothing truly is, except maybe the lions going to the superbowl. i need to get real with myself, in true dr.phil style. (no i am not seeing a shrink, but i have been known to watch tuesday's oprahs, 'eh, from time to time' --that was a movie quote). whoa a little off subject. self-regulation. see there i can do it. sort of. ahhhhh. and then i allow other things to complicate the previous things, such that i am not even sure what it is i am trying to self-regulate. except that i do, but i just think i am complicating it so as not to disappoint myself? no that's not it. set myself up for disappointment? cuz i sure as hell know that there's no way i could disappoint myself in such situations, but i know other factors could. i'm so not even following myself. but i do know this: the key to it all lies in me. and my reactions to things, and my overreactions and underreactions. someone once said that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. AMEN to that. it's so the truth. try and deny it all you want. but you know that the things you complain about, bitch about, even the things that make you the most happy are all reactions... not really the things itself. or something along those lines. sooooo. ah, invasion. i wish i could just forget. have amnesia in that part of my mushy gray matter of brain. it's so weird how our minds work, how i can sit here, there, anywhere, literally, and think about it. kind of .... i don't know. not cool i guess. i mean, just get over it. that's all. see, here i've wasted another 15 minutes trying to explain it without really explaining it at all. i hate when you have thoughts, and then you try and tell someone them and they just flee your mind. like they're scared of the light or something. so they run and hide in the crevices of you brain. (i believe they are in fact called sutures?) oh gosh i'm just sitting here, waiting for like santa claus to show up and deliver. but i have a sneaking suspicion that's not going to happen. aw shit. ok so this is where i should take the hint, and this is the part i always screw up and don't. we're talking crucial. if i can't take advice from myself, i'm doomed. angel on my left is saying "go to bed" and fallen angel on right is saying "no go out late and stay up". not literally, i'm not talking about sleep patterns and circadean rhythm here, but you know. but i don't really think i have a fallen angel anyway. or an angel angel for that matter. roger that, i think i have an angel. anyway, totally unrelated to the horrible analogy i just gave, and nothing to do with angels, i'm going to bed. i'm in love with my bed. i'm going to marry it. that would solve everything.

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