So I don't really understand the whole phenomenon of "Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder" or whatever dumb cliche it is... but I believe it. I just like to call it Vacation Syndrome. Someone goes away for a while, and then suddenly you want to tell them what you seasoned your dinner with and how many times you sharpened your pencil at work and dumb shit like that, when usually you cherish your "Me Time." Big Whatever. And it totally puts a smile on my face when he happens to be in a foreign country that has keyboards with Y and Z switched, so you get an email that looks like this:

Lindsaz - (Im going to tzpe mz waz, screw this kezboard)
Did I tell zou I love castles? A LOT? Zou will realiye this when zou see mz pictures.
When do zou flz in on Mondaz? Are zou flzing with zour mom? If not, I can pick zou up from the airport if it is after work, and show zou all mz pictures and catch up. Let me know, I can not wait to see zou again...

(Aww, someone can't wait to see me?? WTF?)

Speaking of Europe... when I lived in Germany, we had a bidet in our house. I had no idea what it was, no one in our house used it ever, only as a prop to hold up my pre-pubessent hairy legs when I shaved them for the first time. (Ahh, memories.) Anyway, so I totally would use the bidet if I lived there now. Honestly, I've had this conversation with numerous people, all of whom give me a weird look, but their non-interest in this topic makes me think THEY'RE the weird ones. So here's the conversation:

Every day, you shit. Shit comes out of your body. Fact.
Another fact? We wipe our asses dry with toilet paper.

Picture this (THEORETICALLY): You accidentally get shit on your hand, or arm, or something. Would you just wipe it dry, with a dry paper towel? Or let's say you step in mud while barefoot. Do you just dry your foot off on the grass and not actually wash it clean? People are so paranoid about using anti-bac at the thought of touching a quarter or a menu. BUT THEY ARE WILLING TO JUST WIPE SHIT DRY ON THEIR ASSES???

I don't get it. If I had a bidet, I would wash my ass every damn time I took a shit. And you should wish to do that as well.

Ahhh, I just sound like a pervert now. If not a pervert, then at least a weirdo for having thought that out.

Uhhhh, there's no redemption for this post after that, is there?