feeling nostalgic, i decided to check up on my hometown news. what i came across was an obituary, one of my mom's friends' son, brian, who "died peacefully at home after a courageous battle with cancer." he was 20. went to brother rice, but i didn't even know him. my mom kept me up to date on him every once in a while, but i didn't think he'd die. i guess, you never think they'll die.
i generally don't cry at the drop of a hat, but the tears just came. not because i felt the loss, because that would be untrue. i don't feel the loss of him, because i didn't know him. but i guess because i feel guilty, that i'm alive and not living like i should. i carry too much negativity, and it's like i can hear him saying to his friends, "man, just live. don't carry around all that hate, it's just not worth it. what i would give to have another day..."
but he did not say that... or if he did, i do not know for sure. i never met him, i don't even know what he looks like. but i know how it made me feel when i read his obituary, sitting in my dark room, alone. i did not like it.

i have no shame

linds1982smith: hahah wanna know something funny.... so i am just out of the shower and walking around in my underwear... well little did i remember that my living room blinds are open, and i go walking in there to get my bag and some guy is leaving in his car.... pointing right into my living room
Rox419: hahahahahaha
Rox419: <-------dying
linds1982smith: ok, not only that, but i have a towel turban on... and a thong
linds1982smith: cuz how sick is my ass?!?!
Rox419: hahahahahaha

wanna hear a gross story? so i dig down into my big bag that i bring to work every day, and at the very bottom is my mini-me nalgene. i went to the bathroom to clean it out, and squirted some soap into it, swished it around with hot water, the whole schebang. so i just now finished the approx 16 oz or whatever, and i notice a little area where mold had grown on the inside of the bottle. i have been drinking moldy water! so when you call me tonight (HA) and i don't answer, i'm not screening your call: i am dead on the couch in my apartment. dead from mold overdose. : P

oooooooh, i had a foreboding feeling about blogging from my laptop at work, b/c it's a pentium II and always does weird things, so i CTRL + C'ed it before hitting post & publish (for the blog below), and what do you know! it kicks me off. you may now call me lindsay "miss cleo" smith. and yes, i now have permission to embezzle money from you too. just comes with the job, what can i say.

yessssssssss i dont get points for my speeding ticket! (booooo i have to pay 140 bucks though) so i started training my co-op replacement yesterday... i took him down to introduce him to my boss and everyone else on our team. i was kind of nervous, cuz i still don't speak "business" and didn't know what was considered proper and business-like. anyway. so i go down there, and gene and john are making small talk, then it was clear gene had to get back to his work, so he ended with "well, you have some big shoes to fill... but i'm confident you'll do fine." i was like BOO-YA he's talking about me! annnnnnnnnd i'm a dork. newsflash.
so how jealous am i of my mom and sister in mexico right now!? it's like freezing right now, i have goosebumps and they have turned our heat off once again. i would love to be the person who controls the heat-box-thing. think of all the power you have. peoples' misery is at your fingertips. you are the deciding factor as to the happiness of hundreds. it would be like ruling the world, except it would be nothing like that at all. : P
i need to see a movie. in a theater i mean. i haven't seen a movie since "bringing down the house" and before that "chicago." i used to be a movie freak, seeing at least 2 movies a month, but i've only seen 2 movies year to date. anyway, clearly over that now.
shit, nothing else is going on. 2 1/2 more weeks until summer classes start. i dropped 2 of them (so now i only have 2 classes total) and decided to graduate dec 04 instead of taking 4 classes this summer and graduating may 04. so that should be sweet, only 2 classes, hopefully 4-pointing both. alright, i'm takin off. see ya later.

what i want now more than anything is some mini powdered donuts. mmmmm. and a big stereo so i can listen to music. and a full body massage. and some chocolate cream pie. oh, and a whole new wardrobe, yeah. and then an iced chi tea latte, a late afternoon movie at the theaters, and then hire someone to work out for me.

i'm fed up with annoying people. that is all i have to say about that.

do you remember that one kid who would show up to school in shorts and flip-flops the day after it was a smoldering 80 degrees... only to find out that michigan's mother nature had decided it wasn't quite time for summer yet, and handed us another 45 degree day? yeah, it turns out, i'm that kid. tuesday, it was 82. wednesday, 77. thursday? i show up in a skirt, it is 39 (although it "feels like 28"). yes, i am that jack-ass. i thought only michigan had such craziness!! i just want to move to a place with a consistent climate!!!! is that too much to ask!?!?!?!

There’s the old story about the two workmen on a construction site, both doing the same thing. Asked what he’s doing, the first man says “I’m laying bricks.” Asked the same question, the second man says “I’m building a cathedral.”

I lifted that from http://scottraymond.net. I like the idea of the story, that everyone will go through life with this great sense of doing something. taking pride in his or her work. that sort of thing. i can't say i'm building a cathedral, or saving lives, or fighting fires, or healing the sick, or creating beauty, or teaching others. what can i say? i'm helping the company i work for grow. make money. get more customers. make customers happy so they dont go elsewhere. that is essentially what i do. or the end result of what i do, either or. (and of course, not really, only pretending for a few months before i go back to school.) in the end, it is all about making more money. i've seen enough episodes of oprah to know that i won't find happiness that way. and i know that even without watching oprah. i know it first-hand.

i volunteer for Junior achievements (no, not on any high horse, thankyouverymuch) which is an organization that teaches business and economics to students. i teach/taught 7th and 8th graders. over 5 weeks, i had to follow this guideline that was called "the economics of staying in school" where i basically had to share my experiences with the students and try to show them why to stay in school, encourage them to go to college, etc. every damn lesson boiled down to this: if you participate in extra curricular activities NOW, you'll be accepted into a good college. then if you do an internship, you'll get offered better jobs and will most likely land said jobs. in the end, you'll make more money than the next guy. i'm not kidding. that's what the end of every lesson came down to: how are you actions today going to affect your wallet in 8 years.

i feel like these kids think it's all a joke, cuz it kind of is. kids are smarter than "adults" anyway (quotations because i'm not sure if i fit into that category yet, although for this example, i do) so i feel like they're looking at me saying "yeah right lady, you're such a liar." and i kind of am. i know that what i tell them is false. i know that even though after i pay my bills and i still have money left over, that doesn't make me happy. money does not buy contentment, that is FOE SHOW.

ok this blog has taken such a boring turn, i'm yawning. the whole point i so blatantly missed is that... i wish i could say i was building a cathedral.

i was just told that i need to get off my high horse. : \ why do i feel like shit right now?

i got pulled over today for the very first time, and got a ticket >:o

last weekend, i went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. we went to larco's, where we were seated next to the mob. my dad, being somewhat of a red wine fanatic, was leafing through (yes, leafing, we're talking binder full of wine selections) the wine list. because of said large numbers of wines they had to offer, you have to order by number. he chose a modest bottle of wine for the 3 of us, around 30, 35 dollars or so. the wine arrived, no big deal, and i had a few glasses, cuz, well, i could. i like red wine alright, but this was pretty good red wine. "nice selection dad!" i complemented as i poured another glass. the rest of the meal was delicious as well, but that should be a given when you're paying 25 dollars for a little chunk of meat. we were stuffed silly by the end of the 5-course meal, and asked for a check instead of desserts. my dad almost up-chucked his veal all over himself when he saw the bill was $375. turns out, when he ordered our "modest" bottle of wine, number 455, our 70-year old waiter (actually he was 69 and 364 days, minor details) wrote down 445, which was not, in fact, a 30 dollar bottle of wine, but a $150 bottle. haha you should have SEEN the look on their faces when they realized their mistake. of course, we got away with paying 30 bucks for the "most expensive bottle of wine they stock" and i even got to see my mom tipsy, which is a once-every-five-years thing. all in all, it was a great time. hehe.

"... i write everything down except what's on my mind..."

i liked how today's episode of that 70s show was like an episode of my life. except i didnt get high and eat my entire kitchen tonight. kind of wish i had though.

"you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows."

blah, so many sentances i have just written and then erased. i cant quite put my finger on whatever it is i'm trying to say. i think it has to do with the weather, which has thrown us all for a loop. pamela and i took a nice 2 1/2 hour lunch break, but it was pouring the whole time and most of it was spent in a skanky auto body shop. i just came back to my desk and thought it was the least desirable place to be at that moment. of course, it really isn't, but my reality is out of whack.

i have been thinking about old friend recently, it's kinda weird. there's a girl at work who reminds me of one of my old friends. i dont know her really, but i will always ask if she wants to go out to lunch with a group of us because she reminds me of that friend. not that i dont like her for who she is, but sometimes i feel like i'm hanging out with that friend again, and i like that. i dont think that's a horrible thing either, because i guess we are drawn to people who have certain characteristics, and i guess they both have those. whatever. it's sad to lose friends, especially if it's not even for a specific reason. it's so easy to kind of lose touch over time, and i think those are some of my biggest regrets in life.

i had a fun birthday weekend. friday night, i drove up to kalamazoo (i turned 21 at the stroke of midnight that night). en route, i just happened to glance at a car stalled at the side of I-69, just as i would ordinarily do, without thought. so it happens, i see an MSU sticker on the back of the truck and realize it's doug's truck. so i called him up, sure enough he says "turn around, i am broke down here!" so i made it to the nearest "authorized vehicles only" turn-around (yeah i'm badass). he broke some ring or another... so i drove him back to the nearest big exit and we got the new parts and stuff. never really thought doug was the car type, but sure enough he got that mofo back on his car, and i followed him until we split at I-94. let's not forget it was raining and about 40 degrees when this happened. i was freezing cold, starving, anxious to get to kzoo. and every time a truck passed up (I-69 is like truck heavy galore) we'd get a fine nice mist of skanky water... i just pretended it was a beauty treatment of some sort, beauty treatment of the soul for doing a good deed. yeah, hopefully my karma is now evened out...

so got to the zoo finally. jack kare and i went to gallaghers for the official stroke of midnight, and just chilled and caught up. had a guiness for my first offical drink of my 21st year. and we watched the spartans win, but i just wasnt feelin' it in that kzoo bar. i got over it soon enough, and to tell you the truth, i have no idea what we did for the rest of the night. : P

saturday we went shopping , i got a jean jacket, because i have no fashion sense and wear things like jean jackets. the best was when kare and i were trying on clothes... priceless, our attitudes. i guess that's all i'll say about that... yeaaaaaah. my birthday lunch included a drive-by of the chicken coop, but we settled down at taco bell, where i was supposed to receive a complimentary taco, but that never happened ; )_ then it's really cool when i overhear some guy say to his friend how he gave up pop for lent, but he never drank pop anyways, and i feel the need to call him a cheater or something. cuz that's cool. why am i such a dork? don't answer that...

i thought it would be so neat and creative to make kare's away message say "wasted at wayside" (not alliteration, but what?....) well thats what we did. ok, i was like *nervous* going to wayside, i thought for some reason they wouldn't accept my ID or think it was my older sister's or something. hahaha. it was cool though, i got in :o) <-----sick that looks like a pig. anyway. we had a lot of fun there, and sandra even got in with her older sister's ID! it was way fun. i like being the big 2-1.

sunday was random, we drove to MSU for like 2 hours, then i drove kare back to kzoo, hung out w/jack for a bit more, and then drove back to the fort. random for sure. kind of weird too. it snowed, no, blizzarded on the drive back down. i had to stop on the side of the road. i guess it wasn't so much the volume of snow (cuz i dont think it snowed for very long) but it was coming right at me, so it reflected off of my headlights and i couldn't see more than 6 inches off of my windshield. i dont think i was ever that scared driving, so i pulled over for like 1/2 hour. it suuuuucked. cuz it was like midnight (which is late for me anyway) and it was right after my hectic birthday weekend, so i was tired as a mo. didn't get back til like 2:30 in the a-m, so needless to say on monday i was pooped. i really havent caught up on my sleep at all this week, but whatever, i'm over it.

its like 3pm on a friday, and 1/4 of my bosses are here. i am soooo tempted to leave, no one would know the difference, but at the same time i feel guilty because i feel like i have slacked off for the last day and a half. i really dont think i deserve anything i have, i wouldnt be surprised if one day big important people came and whisked me away and off the premisis, saying that i was no longer employed here. shit, how bad does that sound? it's kind of like for you guys who are in school right now... you are no doubt slacking (save for a select few who are not, in fact, slackers) and not doing your work. in a few weeks, classes will be over, finals behind you, and you will get your grades. they will probably not be horrible, but you could have done better. and you'll say to yourself, shit! i knew i should have tried harder, yet i b.s.'ed instead of studying. trust me, i've been there over and over and over again. i'm there right now. i know i should be acting all ambitious and taking initiative and stuff, but i just dont feel like it. i will still get a good review, but i doubt it will be "great." i will get a 3.0 instead of a 4-point, type of thing. you know? i'm sure you do...

ah, what else. i'm going to chicago with the coops next weekend. we're going to a cubs game, which should be cool. i doubt i will ever be in the position to go to a cubs game ever in my life, so i decided to just go (to the game i mean) and i hear wrigley field is just an experience in itself. i hopefully will do some shopping, get some new clothes or jewelry or something. i havent decided if i'm going to go out to the bars with the guys, or hang back with the girls (who are all under 21) i dont know. whatever.

i feel like going to concerts. ben harper and jack johnson are touring together this summer. how kick ass is that?!?! i want to see dave matthews again (for the 4th or 5th time) and jason mraz again too. 3eb is supposed to come out with a new album, so maybe they'll tour that too, how fun. i'd like to see CSNY, bob dylan, and billy joel. i dont even remember the last real concert i was at... i think it was last summer, third eye blind, vanessa carlton, and ... who was the headliner even? matchbox twenty? shows how much i liked whoever it was. oh, i take that back, rusted root at breslin. that was kick ass. i'd like to see them again, too, but under the influence. ; )

i cant wait for my moms tulips to come up. i hope i see them when they do. they are kind of short lived, those tulips. thats a shame. i always think of amsterdams airport when i think of tulips, cuz they always have them there. like, who buys tulips from an airport though? apparently, lots of people. i like amsterdam's airport... it's like a mall, except, you know... with big jets and shit.

"lindsay's weekend wrap up" will end with... a joke. why did the rat cross the road?

(nekcihc eht ot delepats saw ti esuaceb). and i'm out... like myself in a beauty contest!

(haha, 'out like a ______' joke compliments of cora

i'd rather be a half-ass than a quarter-ass, or an eight-of-an-ass

i demand a refund. my apartment complex LIED to me. they lured me in, with promises of a country club, a golf course, balconies for every apartments, built in washer and dryers... all of those were right, except for the last one! built in washers and dryers they are not!! instead, they gave us clothes shrinkers!!! welcome to my club, it's called i'm in denial of my weight gain : P