I remember vacationing in the Canary Islands (yeah, look that up and you'll see I was practically in Africa -- and only 6th grade! Oh, how much I didn't appreciate it then...) with my family. It was spring break time, I think, and Brett Dotson had asked me out that Friday. I spent the entire vacation humming "Again" by Janet Jackson and fantasizing about my first kiss.

Haha, it's funny how things never change. Not that anyone asked me out, or that we're going to Africa, but I'm still waiting for my first kiss.

That was also the vacation where I dreamt that I had killed someone -- didn't dream the actual killing though -- and that I disposed of the body by putting it in the dishwasher. Should I have just admitted that to the internet? Probably not. I live on the edge like that.

It's funny, though, cuz I bet I have already told the internet that dream when I was drunk once, but just forgot about it or something. I nearly shit my pants when Rob brought up My Most Shameful Incident last week at the bar. Either I'm coming down with Alzheimers, or I need one of those Men In Black thingys that make me purge my memory, thus not allowing myself to tell people about Horrible Things I've Done.

Well kids. For fear of being trite and saying cheesy things about seeing you next year (SHIT! I did it!), I'm leaving you with a snapshot of my favorite Christmas present,

Christmas04, originally uploaded by Lindsay Smith.

from my sister Allison, who has picked up the term "Damn Gina" from me and spread it to the hardcore residents of University of Dayton. I should put this on my resume.

(PS - What's with the black eye? You think that mirror pic was unintentional, and YOU ARE WRONG.)

My brother was just telling me a story...

"...I remember that one day when I was at work and I realized I had your pants on. All day, I'm thinking 'damn, why are these so bi-- why is this crotch all different?'"

He totally caught himself saying "Why are these pants so big you big fatty fat?" DOH.

Well. I may be on the chubby side, but at least I don't cross-dress at my place of employment. HA!

girls_jack_house

girls_jack_house, originally uploaded by Lindsay Smith.

ladies_in_red2

ladies_in_red2, originally uploaded by Lindsay Smith.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Post wherein I attempt to say remarkable things that make 2004 sound like a wonderful year and myself sound somewhat interesting. Note: attempt futile.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
White-water rafting and camping with friends. Such activities had prior been fulfilled with parents and siblings only. WHYYYYYYYY? did I wait so long to break that habit?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yeah right. Every year, I resolve to floss daily. This year, I will not make such a resolution. I will make an even more preposterous proposal to myself and will laugh myself to sleep for most of January thinking about it.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. Boo.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Not applicable = boo.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Balls. Both in the physical sense and in the... well, only in the physical sense.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 14, 2004. Why? Because it was Valentine's Day. (Ahhh, I'm so good at saying something without actually saying it!) (Wait, I didn't say anything there, did I?) (And you're all "fucking quit it with the parenthesis already bitch!")

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hands down graduation from college. Getting ready that morning, I was doing little jigs around my room and had the biggest grin on my face. It might have been my happiest window of time in 2004 as well.

9. What was your biggest failure?
At one point before Jackie's wedding (which could win for "Longest Countdown in 2004") I promised myself I would run a cumulative 100 miles before the date. I think I got around 35 miles after a couple of weeks and then totally gave in to failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My trademark 3-week cold, twice, I think.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car, 2004 Ion 3. Leather. 6-disc changer w/MP3. Travel package. Loser driver not included. (Cuz who brags about a SATURN!?!?)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My dad's behavior of generally living to the prime old age of FIFTY thus encouraging us to blow up funny pictures of him, hang up AARP poster, invite his friends over, get wasted, and call it a party.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, at various separate times. (Cue clip from The Grinch"eight o'clock: wrestle with my self loathing... I'm booked!")

14. Where did most of your money go?
Said car. Clothes. Bar. <-- living 2 blocks from downtown East Lansing was the best way to spend (the half that I was there) senior year. Who cares about the windchill when it's only 3 minutes away? You'll be wasted in another 7 so who's counting?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Jackie's wedding. Everything about it. Being in it!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Hotel - R.Kelly

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? honestly don't know
ii. thinner or fatter? ditto
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Making out.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Casual sex.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
IN MEXICO BABY!

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Karin -- oh boy, do we have some great conversations! And I can always count on her to answer the phone like this: "hellooooooo!" like she was just thinking about calling me and was about to press SEND when her phone started ringing. :)

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Six Feet Under. Got hooked once I discovered THE BEST THING OUT THERE (HBO: In Demand) (simulataneously the WORST THING OUT THERE as it pulled me in by its reins and forced me to sit on my ass for a good 24 hours straight, rising only to urinate (sick, who uses the word "urinate" on their own website by their own will?) and get another Diet Coke) and watched every single episode from Season 3 in one sitting. Then, promptly went to Video 2 Go and rented Season 1 (for $1.11 no joke) and later Season 2. That was a really good story wasn't it? If only I had comments, you could praise me on my great story-telling abilities.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is such a strong word.

26. What was the best book you read?
Middlesex. It might have won by default.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Stevie Wonder

28. What did you want and get?
My summer job working as the Materials co-op in 2 plants. My very first pair of steel-toed shoes!

29. What did you want and not get?
Yeah, like I'm going to admit that here. Shit, you're probably reading this.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Garden State - the only film that made me cry

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
22 - it was a quiet night (sarcastic, disbelieving voice: noooooo) - Fajita Rita Monday

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More drunk dials. One can never receive too many drunk dials.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Never think to myself "Does my shirt/coat/belt/shoe match my shirt/coat/belt/shoe?"

34. What kept you sane?
The thought that there are people out there who have it immeasurably worse than I do.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Chris Noth ala Mr. Big. Oh man, it's just wrong. I mean, he's FIFTY. Give me the shits, keep me out of the sun for 12 years, hand me a flask of whiskey and call me Shitbreak -- he's my very own DIFL.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Proposal 2. I didn't get it how people just didn't get it.

37. Who did you miss?
My family (when I wasn't living with them), Kare, Rox, Allison, Jack (when I was out-of-state), my co-op friends (tons after the summer), Cora, Montejam, Josh (in an opportunity-lost sort of way), my grandparents - not personally, as I never really got to know them, just the thought of having them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Mickey - and I quote "Lindsay, we could talk about tax returns and we'd die laughing"

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
I don't believe in life lessons. They're a touch too Dr.Phil for my taste...

40. Quote a song/movie lyric that sums up your year:
"So what do we do? What do we do?"

Depression

It sucks. My first experience with depression was my freshman year of college. I'm not sure if it was clinical depression (you know, the whole chemical imbalance or what have you) or just being really, really lonely. Whatever brand it was, it still sucked. I remember sitting in a class of about 300, mostly freshman. It was one of those intro classes where the professor was really cool and cracked jokes and the whole class laughed and it was alright to talk a little during lecture because it was just that kind of course. I knew people in it, so it's not that I felt really alienated or anything, but one day it just really struck a chord. I was feeling horribly lonely and felt like my chest was going to cave in. Thank god I had an aisle seat, and I got up and left the room just in time to start crying. I sat outside on the cold cement bench and just cried with my head down. I don't think I had spoken to anyone that day; literally, I had not heard my own voice. So when I heard myself crying, I guess I was startled by my own sound.

It's never really been my style to 'talk' about my feelings. I tried that when I trained for the Listening Ear crisis center my freshman year. (Coincidence that I didn't end up volunteering there? Who says the blind can't lead the blind anyway?) It's just sad that the topic is still so taboo, or at least seems so. Real depression, the kind that is life-threatening and can cause people to die, is just as much a disease as heart disease or cancer or anything else. I know someone who, if not for medication and electric shock therapy and hospitalization, would be dead. This isn't about someone being dramatic or wanting attention. It's a real fucking thing.

And that's why I'm so thankful that my experiences with depression have been mild. I'm so thankful for my own health, both physical and mental. When I think about the latter, I usually think about my freshman year experience, and the few other times since then that I've felt that way. And when I think back on my college experience (I know, it's been so long since I was there!) I shy away from the whole "Oh, I came out a better person" blah blah bullshit, because I don't know if that's true. I just came out a person having experienced more, not just the relationships and living on my own and moving away and coming back and having my heart broken and sometimes depression and sometimes having an absolute grand fucking time. I had good times, I had bad times, and I can just add them to my bucket of experiences.

Okay. Enough of that already.

For fear of being Dooced, I won't elaborate too much. But. This whole nine-to-five thing just doesn't seem like it's going to do it for me. Yes, the one about which i said "I had better fucking get that job". And I am grateful to have a job. This is true. But still. I can bitch. This is my website, after all.

Alright, I'm fresh out of incoherent sentences and incomplete thoughts. I want to stay up and watch a movie or something, because how awesome is HBO In Demand!?!? But that part today? when people were trying to explain to me my job and my eyes were starting to roll back in my head and all I could to was try and pinch myself to stay awake? all because I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night? Yeah, that's probably not a good way to start my career. I'm not even kidding is the funny part.

Bah humbug.

I apologize in advance for the lack of content on this site.
www.flickr.com/photos/lindsay_smith
This will change soon. Wait, I may be lying.

Tomorrow, I graduate from college.
Discuss.

I haven't written anything good on here in a lonnnnng time. I'm three days shy of my undergrad diploma, and am in need of a poignant, looking-back type of post, and like, well, everything else in my life, I have very good intentions without actually delivering.

It kind of reminds me of the one time I kind of sort of maybe dated someone in college. I'm not sure if that is what was going on, but it sort of felt like it was, if you consider living in different states and talking on the phone every once in a while and seeing each other maybe twice over a one month period and maybe making out 'dating'. I had very good intentions of trying to be more, I don't know, giving? open? not so fucking emotionally closed off. But good intentions mean shit if you don't act on them.

It also reminds me of the one time in college when I wanted to, say, succeed. This could have taken on many different forms, including but not limited to: passing my classes, having healthy social relationships, giving back to my community, saying no to drugs, and/or calling my parents to tell them I loved them more often. And while, yet again, I had good intentions of doing said successful things, I just couldn't bother myself to get up off the couch and get 'er done.

Which then leads me to my last point, where upon I graduate college and move out into the real world and start my adult life and become independent once and for all and live the life I've always imagined and stay out on school nights and let go of inhibitions and tell people how I feel and stop being scared and be fabulous and eat and drink and be merry and all. And while I still have three days until I find out if I, like clockwork, am all talk with no walk, I hope that the rule of three won't apply to me here. (Although, this is just my third example in a merely trite blog. My real life experiences of being generally lazy and lackluster far exceed three examples.)

I do promise, though, a college post somewhere sometime will be written. If not for the public's eye, then at least for a few of you. I'm not promising you a rose garden, though.

"Be careful when you make alterations. Pull the wrong thread, the whole thing comes apart."

I guess she was talking about clothes...

http://www.joyunexpected.com/archives/001283.php
Whenever I feel like saying something but not saying it, I instead copy URLs of other bloggers to portray how I feel. It's sometimes easier that way, to just silently agree and do the sympathetic and understanding small nod of the head to myself.

(In true four-year-old fashion... Heeeeeey! When I bought those pants, they told me they were one-of-a-kind! I feel jipped!)