Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I've always feared being That Girl, the one who wants to have conversations with her ex's about Why Things Ended, or What Went Wrong, or Was it My Fault? I've always kind of prided myself on being the girl who isn't like that, who is a little more emotionally distant, who'd rather make jokes than talk about my feelings. I know if I were a guy, I'd rather talk to that girl than the one who seems so desperate to find out why and so emotional and needy.

But the thing is, I DO want to know why. By not being That Girl, instead of asking him what happened, I've been asking myself. I've been internalizing everything and at a point, unfortunately long after things have ended and he probably forgot what he liked about me in the first place, it is too much to bear.

I think even worse than being That Girl is being That Girl who resurfaces all that time later to ask why things went sour. The proverbial female version of Rob Gordon, who called every one of his Top Five Breakup girls and reconnected with them only to ask "What happened? Was it me?" If I do remember correctly, Rob Gordon found out that one of the girls went crazy, one blamed him for her fear of sex throughout college, and the other married the guy she dated immediately after him. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? This is what's in store for me?

At any rate, while my fear of being T.G. is coupled with the fact that I DO have an intense fear of never actually finding out and thus never letting go, I'm afraid the former will always trump the latter. That's not the way things are supposed to happen. I think that's what scares me the most.

No comments: