This Annoys The Shit Out Of Me (Alternate Title: Perhaps Tomorrow I Will Post Something Nice)

I have this pack of Stride gum at my desk at work, for those mornings when I have too much coffee and thus coffee breath that could kill a small child, or those days when I do not brush my teeth before leaving the house (calm down, I have a toothbrush in the locker in the ladies room) (yes, my work bathroom has a set of lockers, weird, right?).

 

This annoying pack of Stride gum has the handiwork of some annoying advertising/marketing people on the inside of the package.  Basically, you flip open the package and there's annoying list on the inside of the cardboard, that looks like a piece of notebook paper ripped out of the notebook. There's a "To Do List" with some fictional person's goals, including:

1. Coin A Phrase
2. Live with the Wild Llamas of Peru
3. Discover an element to add to the Periodic Table
4. Get into a break dance battle.

So wait... let me break this down and understand fully...

 

1. Coin a phrase - okay, fine. Make up a little euphemism or acronym or alliteration with your posse of high school buddies.  Make up a term to use about hot girls, none of whom you'd ever talk to, but you sure can talk about.  Talk the talk, but never walk the walk, type of thing. You're so cool.  I bet your phrase will be spread around all of the United States and soon enough Jimmy Fallon will use it on his talk show.  You will be the coolest kid in town!

 

2. Live with wild llamas? In Peru? First of all, do you speak Spanish, and are you up to date on South American immunizations?  You do realize you'd be without cell phone towers, so you won't be able to Twitter it, update your facebook status, and/or perform a live upload to Flickr while simultaneously riding said llamas?  Still want to do it? That old age question of "if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?" is now replaced with "if you can't facebook it real-time, do you still want to do it?".  You're lame.  Read a book.

 

3. Yeah fricken right. You are not a scientist. There are no elements left to be found. (Not necessarily true, that was a tiny fiblet.) But - if there are un-discovered elements, they wouldn't be a dumb discovery, like "Oh, I was digging up that ziplock of illegal substances I had stashed in my parent's backyard garden, and I found this nugget of crystallized substance, and I thought, 'I wonder if this is a new element?'"  NO. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

 

4. Okay, so you're a twerpy scientist who discovers elements, yet you have the street cred to a.) know how to break dance and b.) actually "battle" someone?  Please. The only "battling" you do is of Star Gallactica variety.  (I thought that was pretty funny, if I don't say so myself...)

 

I don't know why this stupid package of gum annoys me so... but literally every time I open it, I scoff and get pissy. I hate dumb advertising aimed at tweens!  I am turning into a pissy old woman! HALP!

A Toothy Confession

Confession:  I've used the hair off of my own head as dental floss, in times of great need. For example, in the movie theater with a critical piece of kernel cornered between my molars. Also, driving home after dinner with a poppy seed lodged between two incisors. Sometimes desperate times do call for desperate measures.

 

False:  I tell my dentist about the frequency in which I floss. I say it's twice a week, give or take.

 

Truth:  More like once a month, is like it. There, I said it. Yeah, I know it's gross. I'll floss tonight.

J.C.! and other stuff

I just got my every-six-months teeth cleaning.  Is it bi-annual, or semi-annual?  I never know...

 

Anyway, I hate dental hygienists.  Well, let me reiterate.  I hate the ones at my current dental office.  You see, I went to the same dentist for 20 years... the one I grew up going to.  Their motto is "We Cater to Cowards" which really has my name ALL OVER IT because I'm the biggest doctor/dentist-phobic.  They were good people.  Until I decided to move 45 minutes away, and the normally 25-minute drive turned into an hour-and-a-half from my new abode.  Not so efficient to make that trek, even if only twice a year. 

 

[I think I've written this post before, I just got some serious deja vu.  I'll have to check my archives from 6 months ago...]

 

Anyway, so this is probably the 2nd or 3rd time I've visited my "new" dentist, and man, they hack THE SHIT out of my gums.  It's like they're excavating a new archaeological dig or something.  I almost want to ask "hey, did I cut you off at an intersection or something?  Did I hit on your boyfriend?  Why do you have a mutiny against my mouth right now?"  I almost feel like Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin getting my chest waxed... I looked up at her with tears in my eyes and shouted "YOU BITCH!"   Okay, not really, but I did in my head.    Brutal.

 

* * *

 

So is it just me, or is the feeling of driving in/walking in to work on Monday morning just about as worse as getting a teeth cleaning? I liiiiiive for the weekend. I barely think about work during the weekend, minus the occasional log-in to work email. So when I open the door and smell that familiar smell... it's like "ugh - back to this". I truly envy people who love their job, and even more so people who are their own boss. I feel like I could handle being my own boss, working overtime for myself, my company, taking a pay cut, all that jazz... I just don't have my big idea yet. And by big idea, I don't mean million dollar idea, I just mean any idea that will work. I think working for yourself must be the best job anyone could have...

 

* * *

 

So, not to sound like a total couch potato... but holy moly, I can't wait for prime-time TV to start the fall lineup. The Office, 30 Rock, Project Runway (OK, technically that has started), Mad Men (okay, okay), The Biggest Loser! Ahh... and then I wonder how it is that I've gained 10 pounds over the last year?  Oh yes, you read it correctly... I went in my for annual Dr. visit (lovely, lovely experience...) and you better believe it (well, I better believe it) - the scale don't lie.  I so wish it did... Did I fall into the "I got married and gained weight" trap? It appears so... it was rather upsetting, I mean, yeah, my clothes don't look so hot on me but DANG GINA. I's gotsta get me to the gym ASAP.  Like, tonight.  Hence, the desire for good programming on the telly, so I can plug in the earphones and pound out an hour of cardio... wish me luck!

If My Husband Won a Million Dollars

So, remember when I posted about what I would do with a Millon [sic] Dollars?



Well, the last couple of weeks I have thrown in $5 to the work lottery pool. I am not a huge gambler, but I'm definitely not against it. I just generally don't even think about the lottery. But it's one of those things where... if my co-workers are doing it, I am going to jump in on that. NO WAY IN HAIL am I going to be the chump who doesn't throw in the week they win the big draw.



Yes, I'm that naive person who actually believes we have a chance at winning!



So much so that I created a list of how I would spend the money! Ha ha! The nerve...



Well, it was my list, and Nick disagreed on a few of my points. I told him if he won his lottery pool at work, that he could make up his own list. That appeased him for the short-term, and I took down his list of how he'd spend his first mil.




All Debt (house, car, student loans) 1 @ $234,000 = $234,000
Siblings Gift 5 @ $10,000 = $50,000
New Car 1 @ $25,000 = $25,000
Parents Gift 2 @ $150,000 = $300,000
House Reno 1 @ $50,000 = $50,000
Vacation 5 @ $3,000 = $15,000
Landscaping 1 @ $20,000 = $20,000
Savings 1 @ $100,000 = $100,000
Checking 1 @ $50,000 = $50,000
Charity 1 @ $156,000 = $156,000
$1,000,000



So as a couple, we weren't tooooo far off from each other. Nick's biggest beef with my list was how much I would give to charity. One thing we saw eye to eye on (or, rather, Nick said "I like what you put... put that on mine too") was the pre-paid or pre-saved-for vacations. :) :) :) WE LIKE VACATIONS. What on Earth could possibly be better than having a vacation already paid for a few years in a row?! Sublime. One thing Nick was much more liberal with was House Renovations (hey, I wouldn't mind new floors throughout!) and... um... landscaping our yard? WHAT THE EFF EVER.



But there you have it...



Now... if the balls could please fall into the right little compartments this evening... that would be greeeeaaaat.



KTHNKSBAI!

Just waiting for my pops to come home and play fetch with me. I do love my mom, but there is something to be said about the way my pops throws a ball...

Things I Am Loving Right This Second

(and the several seconds preceding this second)...

1.) HelenJane's Brokey Pasta, a.k.a. Pasta Napa Valley Style.
We had this for dinner tonight and it was deeeee-lish. We are sweating garlic (good thing!) and I am SOOOO so glad I have finally convinced Nick that pesto is good. Say it with me... gooooood.

2.) Murphy's Birthday was on Friday. He is one year old! What I love especially is that on Friday morning, you know, typically the day that is the hardest to wake up because we've been beat up by corporate America for the four days preceding and have already put in well over 4o hours... you know, those mornings? Anyway, this last Friday morning, the second the alarm went off, Nick and I both sprang up in the bed, looked at each other with a gleam in our eye, and reached down toward the end of the bed (judge me) to wake up our Mr. Moof.
"It's your birthday!" we both screamed. Then we sang him Happy Birthday, as if he understood what we were saying. Then proceeded to run downstairs to dole out his birthday presents.
Yes, we are THOSE types of dog people.

3.) Spring cleaning, albeit three months late. We cleaned quite a bit on Sunday, threw away junk, scrubbed toilets, that kind of cleaning. It doesn't happen often, I admit. But it's nice to not have drawers overflowing (esp. when you only wear 20% of the items!) and toilet bowls grungy. I mean, we're in our late-twenties. Grungy toilet bowls are just not acceptable anymore. Baby steps.

4.) The urge to sell our house (ha! ha!) and rent instead. I'm thinking... downtown Chelsea. Mostly because I finally dined at Common Grill and I want nothing more than that place to be within walking distance from my home. So I can walk home in a Carb Stupor every night... those rolls!

5.) I got a $100 gift card today from a co-worker/manager. For doing a good job, getting some parts in so production team didn't have to work on 4th of July. Wahoo! Totally unexpected, totally not necessary, but I will totally accept your thanks and gift card. YOU'RE WELCOME! Off to window shop, cyberly speaking.

Ta ta!

I love when my pup lays with limbs in a tangled mess. He is the cutest pup in all of the world.

What is better than a mason jar full of fresh peonies on your desk on a Monday morning? Not much... I ogled my managers flowers last week, and much to my delight she plucked these from her garden for me! They smell heavenly and best of all... were free!

FW: Bored...

From: Eric Smith
Sent: Friday, June 05, 2009 1:02 PM
To: Collins Lindsay; Nick Collins
Subject: Re: Bored...

 

Chazz Michael Michaels - I was on the fence with this one.  I didn't like the movie, so that was a major strike against CMM.  I could have replaced Phil Weston with this one and put this CMM at #9.  After further review, I do hear by remove Phil Weston from the list and put CMM in the #7 spot.  There were some great lines in that movie and the scene with Jenna Fisher on the bed was pretty funny.  I think the supporting cast really helped him get on the list.

 

Steve Butabi - It wasn't a great roll, and the movie was OK at best, but I had to put it on the list because it was his staring roll.  It's now a LOCK at the #10 spot for that reason.  Any future additions to the list will not bump this roll from the list.

 

Buddy - After review, jumped ahead of Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly

 

Harold Crick - could have been a little higher on the list, but comedic value to the movie was my top factor on the list (see Ricky Bobby).  In additions, I must admit that I never say the movie all the way through.

 

Ricky Bobby - Say what you want about the movie, some of the funniest lines to ever come out of Will Ferrell's mouth were in that movie(as with John C Riley).  Furthermore, the guy has two first name!!

 

Thoughts before I finalize the list.

1)  I have not seen Zoolander in a while.  I need to watch again to make sure Mugato isn't to low on the list.

2)  Is Will Ferrell's roll as Mustafa in the first two Austin Powers movies list worthy?  The scene when he falls off the cliff still cracks me up.  "I think I have broken my leg... I am going to try and stand on it.. CRACK!. Ohhh!!!!" 

 

 

List Version 1.2

 

Top Ten Will Ferrell Movie Rolls

 

10)       Steve Butabi – A Night at the Roxbury

9)         Mugato – Zoolander

8)         Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly – Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

7)         Chazz Michael Michaels – Blades of Glory

6)         Buddy – Elf

5)         Harold Crick – Stranger Than Fiction

4)         Brennan Huff – Step Brothers

3)         Ricky Bobby – Talladega Nights

2)         Frank "The Tank" Ricard – Old School

1)         Ron Burgundy – Anchorman

 

Best Cameo Appearance

 

Chazz Reinhold – Wedding Crashers

(Honorable Mention)

Big Earl – Starsky & Hutch

 

 

---

From: Collins Lindsay
To: Eric Smith; Nick Collins
Sent: Friday, June 5, 2009 12:18:04 PM
Subject: RE: Bored...

Deep thoughts below…

 

From: Eric Smith
Sent: Friday, June 05, 2009 12:12 PM
To: Collins Lindsay; Nick Collins
Subject: Bored...

 

Systems are down at work and I am a little bored right now.

 

What do you think of this list...

 

Top Ten Will Ferrell Movie Rolls

 

10)       Phil Weston – Kicking & Screaming -  never saw it!

9)         Steve Butabi – A Night at the Roxbury -  never saw it!

8)         Mugato – Zoolander

7)         Buddy – Elf – move up on the list, to # 5

6)         Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly – Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

5)         Harold Crick – Stranger Than Fiction – should be #3

4)         Brennan Huff – Step Brothers

3)         Ricky Bobby – Talladega Nights – awful movie, imo, take off the list and replace with Blades of Glory (Chazz Michael Michaels)  and move up to #7)

2)         Frank "The Tank" Ricard – Old School

1)         Ron Burgundy – Anchorman

 

Best Cameo Role:

Chazz Reinhold – Wedding Crashers  - agreed

(Honorable Mention)

Big Earl – Starsky & Hutch -  never saw it!

 

Among Us

Today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday.  He would have been 80.

 

I've alluded to this fact before, but I find these tidbits of information from a daily email I receive called The Writer's Almanac. They send me a daily poem, and then little gems of information about the day in history from a literary, historical, or cultural point of view.

 

Anyway, in the paragraph about MLK, it reminds me that he was only 26 years old when he was asked to lead a boycott of the infamous segregated buses.  Twenty-six!  That's how old I am today.  I am a cube monkey.  Let's not make any comparison between the two of us beyond the number of days we've been on this earth at this point in our human experience.

 

It goes on to mention that had he known what the unintentionally assumed role of "civil rights leader" would encompass, that he might have declined the role.  I think that's pretty magnificent.  At first reading, it might sound kind of... selfish?  You know, had he known all that would be to come in his life, personally, maybe he would have said no.  If he'd know that he'd be murdered in his prime, he'd say no. But I think what that really says, to me anyway, is that he was human, a young man, just like the rest of us.  Not a super-human who was born with martyr-like subconscious, but your normal average guy.  Who went on to become a revolutionary.

 

I guess what I'm really getting at is this: there will be more of him to come.  In male, female, young, old, gay, straight, black, white, rich, poor, married, single, parent, childless, religious, atheist forms.  And the fact that he was just normal young adult like the rest of us, struggling to make decisions on which battle to fight, which stand needs to be taken, which debate you should jump in on (there are tons in this day and age) - is pretty awesome.  There are more MLK's out there among my demographic, making waves and not even knowing how big they will crash on shore.

 

{Note - this was written many months ago, but kept in draft mode in my inbox. Just publishing it today, 6-5-09.    The first sentence is obviously incorrect as of today's date.}

 

 

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