March

March First. First of March. I kind of like March. I'm glad February is over.

Well, for one, it's Jackie's Birthday. Let's all say a rousing Happy Birthday to Jackie! Hurray!

Secondly, it's the kick-off of Spring Cleaning in the Collins Household. Thus far, I have: vacuumed the whole house, cleaned the stove-top, washed the linens, rid the refrigerator of expired goods, scrubbed the water closets, and rinsed the dishes. Suffice it to say, my hands are pruny and dry, my wastebasket full and heavy, and my vacuum one tired little lady. And really, if you walked in my house right this second, you'd say "Really? You've been cleaning? Ummm..." because for me? Cleaning seems to be a messy chore and you don't really see the entire effect until I'm 100% done. It's frustrating, yes, but a part of the process.

So, that isn't necessarily an interesting paragraph to read, but why all the cleaning, you ask? My husband is out of town, you see, and I'm bored. Plus, it needed to happen. Lord knows I don't want mice or ants or other vermin running around my part of town because of my mess(es).

Why is my husband out of town, you might ask? His friends started a little company and asked Nick to help with the business side of it. Go check them out here. So they hopped a plane down to Orlando to attend a Nerd Conference, whoops, a MegaCon conference. Oh, the nerdery. But! I think it's really cool that Rob has caught this entrepreneurial bug and is pursuing it. Inspiring! I am just waiting for my "Aha!" moment to come along so I can put forth some energy into something that truly interests me...

So, where was I going with this post? Not quite sure. I lost my train of thought. But here's what I know for sure: a Sunday wouldn't be a Sunday without a little trashy tv watching. I'm about to hunker down with some forbidden goods (ice cream!) and turn me on some MTV. Perhaps a more cohesive post tomorrow...

My Condition Has A Name!

I heard a great term the other day (and by "heard" I mean "read on someone's blog") - it's called Bargain Tourettes.  OMFGALAHAOLOAHAALOL.  When I read it, it was as if the clouds parted and the light from heaven shone down on me like an epiphanous dream.  I finally knew the name of one of my worst habits: spontaneously blurting out the price and location of purchase of any piece of clothing I receive a compliment on.

 

For instance (and this is almost identical to the blog that I heard this term on, a blog that I have since forgot, otherwise I would be giving undying praise for such a term):

 

Coworker:  "Cute top!"

Me: "Thanks! Sears, $12.99 with 30% off, so like, less than ten bucks!"

 

And then, of course:

 

Me: "I don't typically shop at Sears, but I parked there when I went to the mall, you know, cuz there's more open spots because WHO SHOPS AT SEARS, but as I was walking through the store to get to the mall, it caught my eye, and I was like 'You know what? I can buy a top at Sears!' so I bought it! And it was less than ten bucks!"

 

Coworker is already walking down the hall to escape my horrible case of B.T.

 

Can't say I really blame her...

 

But who's with me - do you have a case of Bargain Tourettes?

My Poinsetta is still alive and kicking, a good 2+ months after I got it. My plant is better than yours.

Fwd: Congratulations!

Because my maiden name is the most common, I get tons of emails from people intending to reach another Lindsay Smith.  I was lucky enough to nab the lindsay.smith email address at a popular email site at the site's inception.  So I get tons of email for people trying to reach lindsay.smith1 or lindsay.smith2, you get the idea.

This email below is so precious that I thought I'd share. Usually the emails are something along the lines of "Study Group - meeting at the library at 7!" or "Hey it was great meeting you last night!" in which case I snicker that the schmuck either 1.) got a fake email address from a girl, or 2.) is a doof who didn't write down the email address correctly.  Either way, I always end up replying to let them know of their mistake.

 

I wish everyone had a Grandpa Opal.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: <AnEmailAddress@aol.com>
Date: Thu, Feb 19, 2009 at 6:08 PM
Subject: Congratulations!
To: MyEmailAddress@email.com


Dear Granddaughter,

     Congratulations!  What exciting news you had to send Sunday morning.  I am delighted that you have found such a nice young man to be your life long companion.  I wish you much happiness.

     I had a fall here at home last Sat.AM.  I had a problem with my right arm.  It is better but now I am having trouble with my back.  I'm just an old clumsy has been.

     You will be having a birthday the day before Easter.  Hope it will be a happy one.Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks.

     Love always,
     Grandma Opal

Woo-Woo

I am just now remembering my dream from two nights ago. I was in line waiting to play a game-show type game, with the top prize being this totally decorated new house.  House included.  Tom Cruise was in line in front of me, he was behind the first person. The stars were not aligned for this first person, as he didn't win the house. Tommy Boy went up next, waved his hand over the seam of the door, flicked his finger along the handle (dreams aren't supposed to make sense, are they?), and won the house. His joyous response was to dance ala "Tropic Thunder" and all of a sudden the Ludacris song started playing out of thin air and he started dancing like Les Grossman. I was so pissed he won that house, I couldn't even enjoy the dancing. Then I woke up, and started thinking about getting new curtains.

Currently Stressing Me Out:

My work email has 4600 emails in my "sent mail" that need to be filed, discarded, or followed-up on. That number is so intimidating, I keep ignoring it. But - it has got to be done. My email is on the brink of collapse. Clean it out, or lose it all.

 

I'm thinking back to the days of yore, to a time when I had a daunting task ahead of me and a timeline to boot -- write a term-paper at the end of my study-abroad stay in Dublin, Ireland. No paper, no credit. The survival tactic then?  A 40 of Irish Cider in the computer lab with me to get me through it all.  Unfortunately, I don't think that will fly this time.

 

I guess a machine-bough coffee will have to suffice.

Wake up my people! Professor Murphy here. I will give my Blog Lecture here from the comfy and cozy confines of my bed. Or my mama's bed, but seeing as how it's Saturday it's also my bed between the hours of 6 and 10. I insist on jumping up and joining them if those two lazy parents of mine sleep in til ten - the nerve of them! Anyway, the lecture of the day is: STOP GLOBAL WARMING! That is all for today, folks, tune in for my next installment - STOP WORLD HUNGER. Oh shit, I just gave it away. I'm always doing that! Anyway, same time next week?

Uh-Oh...

I just realized my dentist appointment in on Monday... which is February 2nd... which, for you non-Bill Murray fans who aren't in the know, is Groundhogs Day. I suppose you could be an Andie MacDowell fan and know that as well, however, I always found her to be a bit on the flighty side, so my loyalties lie with Mr. Murray.

 

Anyway, I can't think of a worse way to spend Groundhog's Day, you know, if the malady in the movie just happened to play out on this particular February second. Six months ago was my first visit to this dentist office. I had been to the same dentist for twenty-some years.  After moving out to the Ann Arbor area, it seemed a tad silly to drive well over an hour to a dentist just because I didn't want to change.

 

Truthfully, I didn't want to visit a new dentist because my old dentist knew my "history". You know, the history that included vomiting in the dental chair (after a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, no less) after a cavity filling, those types of things. It was kind of intimidating walking into a new dentist office and trying to explain the whole "well sometimes I get a little queasy" schtick. "Little" being the understatement of the year.

 

Things went swimmingly well at the new place, until the hygienist subjected me to a terrorist activity. Anytime someone jabs small pointy objects into the depths of your gums, well, that qualifies as terrorist activity if you ask me. Mass destruction indeed! Except the weapon was tiny as hell in this instance.

 

Wow - so I've gotten way off track here.

 

Feb. 2nd. Dentist. I'm thinking I should re-schedule.

Just... Wow...

From cnn.com: "Exxon Mobil reported the largest annual profit in U.S. history Friday, making $45.22 billion on the back of record oil prices."

 

That's kind of sickening, no?

 

P.S. Sickening is making a comeback. You heard it here first.

If I Had A Millon Dollars

So I saw Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday night and it got me thinking: (among other things) "What would I do if I won a million dollars?" Except in my head, I said it like "What would I do if I won a Millon dollars?" because the talk-show-host totally made me laugh anytime he pronounced Millionaire! as Millonaire!

Anyway.

Since I don't have a millon dollars and won't anytime soon, I thought it'd be fun to pretend. And spend it. In my head.

Let's just pretend I won the millon dollars (of course I knew it was A! It was written!) and it magically showed up in my bank account. Also, magically, there were no taxes taken out. Hey, it's my prerogative.

Here, my friends, is how I would spend it. Every last penny. Until I was living paycheck to paycheck again.

Parents	2	@	$100,000	$ 200,000
Siblings	4	@	$ 5,000	$ 20,000
Friends	6	@	$ 2,000	$ 12,000
House	1	@	$100,000	$ 100,000
Student Loans	1	@	$ 25,000	$ 25,000
Clothes	1	@	$ 3,000	$ 3,000
Charity	3	@	$100,000	$ 300,000
Vacation	5	@	$ 3,000	$ 15,000
Decoration	1	@	$ 25,000	$ 25,000
Savings	1	@	$300,000	$ 300,000
Total				$ 1,000,000

Okay, the first few are a doozy. Of course we'd have to compensate our parents accordingly. I am to the age where I understand the crazy sacrifices our parents made for us (what child/tween/teen "gets" that?) and so throw them a few bones and perhaps they can retire a year or two earlier. That would be nice.

Siblings and friends, of course, would need a nice chunk of change. I don't think it needs to go any further than that - cousins, aunts/uncles, college roommates (who don't fall into the "friend" category) etc. are not entitled to a piece of the pie. Sorry psycho roommate!

Next - House. Now, I'm not gonna pay off my house. Some may call me crazy. But I had to ration here, people! Throw $100k and I'm sure my payment would be manageable. Ok, what's funny is that after I wrote the previous sentence, I opened up my Loan Amortization Excel Spreadsheet (OF COURSE I HAVE ONE) and punched in my new amount should said Millon dollars appear in my account. My monthly payment would be roughly 25% of my current payment. Ummm. Apartments in Ann Arbor don't even cost that little. I stand by the $100k.

My next course of action would be to throw some bones at student loans to get that down to a pretty decent number, a number that doesn't make me cry for the year 2017 when we're free from stupid student loan payments.

Of course, I'll need to re-do the wardrobe (I'm thinking... stuff that FITS. Novel idea.). While I'm a Millonaire, I'm still a cheap mofo, so I'll stick to the mall. Three G should get me very very far in a mall.

Charity. Cannot forget charity. I can spare $100k for three near-and-dear to my heart charities. Arthritis Foundation. American Heart Association. Susan G. Komen. Done, done, and done.

Ahhh - decorations. I use this term to mean "omfg totelly P1MP out ma' cribbbbb". Basically, I'd like an expensive, high-quality sofa. Some new hardwood floors. A finished basement. Wait, can $25k cover that?! Ahh, am having doubts. Must re-prioritize!

That leaves me with a healthy $300k for... (boooooring) savings! You know, compound interest and shit. I'm down with exponential growth. Yeah, baby!

Well, so there you have it. This entire post was dreamed up while an amazing movie played out before my eyes. All of a sudden, the lights came on in the theater and people stood up as though it was the end of the movie. Except! It WAS the end of the movie. Oh shit.

[Yes, I do realize this pipe dream of $1M is totally not reality. Trust me. I get that. I read the scary articles (2.6M jobs lost in 2008? SCARY). At some point, you have to go to La-La-Land every once in a while. Me and That Point are currently, you know, talking.]

[Also, I totally did NOT draft this in my head while watching the movie. I was actually watching the movie. Great movie. Can I end another sentence with movie? Movie. Anyway, I actually drafted this thing while at work, thankyouverymuch. On second thought, oh shit. Probably shouldn't advertise any sense of un-productivity! On the internet!]