Monday, February 7, 2005

Diary, Part I

I've been reading through old journals lately, you know the kind where you write with a pencil on lined paper and maybe when you were five it had a little lock on it and you kept the key in your sock drawer?

Well anyway, some of them are so fucking hilarious. Like this one, which I'll keep undated so you don't know just how old I actually was when I wrote it:
I have such mixed emotions. I'm crying because I'm embarassed. I rented an "R" movie at Blockbuster & Dad came in and told them I couldn't see R movies. I'm feeling good because I did the Aid to Aids walk today. I'm scared because I go to high school in less than 2 months. I'm sad I only have 3 days of school left. I'm crying because Melissa ran away to Gary, Indiana and Aunt Kathy sent her to a forest military survival camp in Utah. I'm craying cuz I'm heavy and weigh 122 lbs. I hate my family. I love my friends. I hate put-putting.

Shit, that shit is funny. The military survival camp in Utah? Side-splitting. Obsessed with my weight at age 13? Fucking hilrious. The last line? What the hell??
(Yeah, so maybe you did find out that I was in 8th grade when I wrote that one. GOSH!)

Here's another:
omg i'm at beaners and there are 2 girls next to me. one is telling the other she is concerned that she is drinking and hopes that she will walk the path of christ and will be found again soon. I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her. maybe a brisk slap or two on the cheek too. she told her "i've been praying for you and i hope that you realize how much God loves you" yadda yadda. I feel bad for the other girl. - she's just sitting there mumbling and i can tell she likes going out and drinking CUZ IT'S FUN but at the same time I want her to stand up for herself and say "hey! I can love jesus and love tequila too!" These crazy crusaders. All that comes to mind is crazy Annie from study abroad, who read the Bible and didn't drink, and was almost engaged, but then attempted to give Greg a blowjob and made out with him. Whatever! So St. paddy's day i went to the post w/rox and Melisa met us there. I met this guy David, gave him my number.

That's the end of that "entry." I kid you not. I go from talking about this hilarious situation happening next to me to crazy Annie who was into the oral and also (I didn't write this part in my "diary" but it's true and I'm still not over it) stole my shirt and outed my best friend on the trip. Then randomly mention I gave a guy my number? Was I trying to impress my future self? That I gave someone my number? i shake my head at the lindsay of two-years-ago.

Okay, I'm going to rummage to find one more. Maybe one that doesn't make me look like a fucking moron. Um, still looking.
My head has been moving at a crazy pace recently... I can't stop thinking about him. I think it started when I saw him a couple times, then saw him like 3 times after that. One of the times I talked to him and he told me he was likely getting engaged soon - and I felt a twinge in my chest - jealousy/ heartbreak maybe both - and I congratulated him. I wonder if it sounded as fake to him as it did to me, or if he could see my heart beating through my shirt cuz let me tell you, it was dying inside of me. I wonder if he even thought of what I'd think when I heard that.

Let's try this one:
okay it's now 2pm... lunch sucked. of course, noon rolls around and i'm off to lunch by myself... sweet. About 1/2 of my time was spent driving around Fort Wayne... let me just say that one-way streets can kiss my ass. I went downstairs to see if Gene [the bossman] needed any help, but he wasn't there. Joe, a guy who did the 6-sigma co-op before, signed me on to his name so now at least I can do a little bit of work. Stress little bit. I've counted the days I have to work... 90 total, but w/2 days off. 88 total. 1 down so far.

Um, yeah. I think that's definately enough for now. Now you all know what I did on my first day of work at GE... counted down the remaining days. I'm surprised I didn't bust out the calculator and give a minute-by-minute countdown. I wouldn't have put it past me.

Now you also know what kind of nerd 8th grader I was... crying because her dad marched back into Blockbuster and made me feel stupid for trying to rent a rated R movie (it was Basketball Diaries. I never remember shit like that!!)

And my first sort of heartbreak (is it heartbreak if you don't actually give your heart away?), and just one of my many exciting Beaner's trips. There really isn't good stuff in these old journals i've found... really only sentances here, snippets there. I plan on ceremoniously burning them, I think. There's a lot of negativity that I didn't even know I had back then and I just don't need that right now.

But, for the sake of my 3 blog readers I thought I'd weed out a couple of what I considered funny ones. Be a dear, tell your mom you love her.

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