hello blog, what is wrong with you. why won't you display? did i say something that offended you?

do you ever feel like you are being watched? i was trying on clothes today and i got that weird feeling. ewww i don't like it. and now, i feel like someone is watching me from the street. isn't that sick?! on to bigger and better things... i had a nice big dinner at p.f. changs, appetizer, entree, dessert, the works. it's things like this that make me happy. good food with good friends. so i got dissed yesterday, and i am still recovering. my admirer at work (the one who feels the need to say "muy bonita chica... mamacita" to me everytime he passes me) asked another co-worker if he thought i was "bonita" as well, and he said no. dissssssssss. oh well. is there a spanish word equivalent to mamacita for a male? if so, please let me know ; ) i must vent for a second... i am staying at a "youth hostel" for 2 days all by myself (well, not literally by myself, but just on my own, not with anyone i know) and let me just say that it's a little freaky. basically it's a big room with a hell of a lot of bunk beds. where i will put my luggage and personal belongings, i have no idea. i will probably stuff my money down my pants or something... oy veh. it's probably one of those things where it will be okay once i get there, i just have no idea what, or who, to expect. the rooms are co-ed, but i think that's a good thing. who knows, we'll see. i bought some more film today... mmm hi ho, did you really need to know that? i plan on taking a hell of a lot of pictures. it's supposed to be so green over there... yeeeeehaw. <------- ahhhh i saw a guy on elimidate who said that. deja vu. ohhhhh my eyes are watering, i am tired and the computer screen glare is killing my little seeing machines. i will leave you all with a little bit of david gray... "singing ain't this life so sweet"

funny thing is, i wasn't really laughing about it when i wrote that. almost crying actually. actually crying at one point. ahhhhhhhh well. so in t-minus-one-week, i'll be in an entirely different place, and i will be having the time of my life.

i am deLUsional... i was very stupid today, but i am laughing about it now.

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

"so unsexy" alanis morissette, not a big fan of hers, but these lyrics rule

could any more bad things happen to really, really good people? not that i want them to happen to anyone else, but it seems like it's always the nice people whose children drown in the pool of their brand new homes. and i don't want a really mean couple of parents to have their children die, but what the fuck. does anyone else feel too lucky, as though they're probably next on the list? i know it's a very morbid thought, but it's like, i know SO many people who have had HORRIBLE horrible things happen to them, and i feel as if it's only time until something bad is bound to happen to me. i don't like that feeling. at all. please tell me i'm not the only person who ever feels like that.

the problem with not saying something to piss someone off is not saying something that will get you somewhere with the person. hmmm, i'll try and explain this a little: say you and a couple of friends are hanging out with some other not-so-close friends. aquaintances, have you. so let's say you remain plesant, never saying anything that will piss everyone off, so everyone thinks you're nice and a decent human being. but then on the same note, while your friend over there is being brash and, yeah, maybe saying something that offends someone, at least when you part they will remember that. whereas, you will be a background object. like extras in a movie, you know they're there, but you don't pay attention to them. if you don't say something that is at all risky, then you will be the extra. nothing ventured, nothing gained. that is my saying of the moment, not quite my mantra, seeing as how i don't quite live by it, but i love it all the same. i'm entitled to that. guster and john mayer announced they added more tour dates, some of which are after i get back home, anyone up for a roadtrip to, say, nashville? let me know. haha. so on my one day off in the course of 10 days, i am waking up at the butt-crack of dawn (like 6:45) to go see the red wings parade. go wings. i'm not really in the mood to go right now, but i'm sure waking up early in the morning will get me pumped. i never quite know if the sarcasm i use in my head is accurately portrayed on paper (monitor?) but i don't really care that much. i'm going to go sleep on my bed, which has about 4 times too much stuff on it, including my dorm sheets (all washed don't worry) and 2 down comforters, and all of these nasty clothes i am giving to goodwill (why though? why give poor people my nasty clothes, i'm such a bitch), and books, and other shit that inhibits my comfortable sleep. so that's where i'll be. in case you need to find me, invade my dreams. i'll see you there.

but i like it even better when they make me feel good.

i love it when people make me feel like shit.

it's getting hot in here... so take off all your clothes (i am... getting too hot... i'm gonna take my clothes off)

this summer has been great so far... jd's, jd's again which turned into nationals, eucher, java hut like EVERY night, spagos, spangas?, party with scott (hello will), casino windsor, joe vision, 220, making fun of "the corner", hot-tub and being scared of my back yard, staying up til 7 and watching the crows, vics bakery, (nough said), louis runco at 8 am, sleeping until the p.m., what else?!

there is 7 feet of clothing on my bed... let's say the cleaning did not go so well. where will i sleep?

today i will clean.

my mom told me i had a message on the counter when i came home, and i got a little butterfly in my stomach because i thought it maybe could've been you. but the butterfly left after i checked it, and i went about my business.

hmmm maybe i was wrong...

it's so obvious that when you make fun of other people, you are really having insecurities about yourself. so why was i making fun of those people tonight?