Hope.

I've always feared being That Girl, the one who wants to have conversations with her ex's about Why Things Ended, or What Went Wrong, or Was it My Fault? I've always kind of prided myself on being the girl who isn't like that, who is a little more emotionally distant, who'd rather make jokes than talk about my feelings. I know if I were a guy, I'd rather talk to that girl than the one who seems so desperate to find out why and so emotional and needy.

But the thing is, I DO want to know why. By not being That Girl, instead of asking him what happened, I've been asking myself. I've been internalizing everything and at a point, unfortunately long after things have ended and he probably forgot what he liked about me in the first place, it is too much to bear.

I think even worse than being That Girl is being That Girl who resurfaces all that time later to ask why things went sour. The proverbial female version of Rob Gordon, who called every one of his Top Five Breakup girls and reconnected with them only to ask "What happened? Was it me?" If I do remember correctly, Rob Gordon found out that one of the girls went crazy, one blamed him for her fear of sex throughout college, and the other married the guy she dated immediately after him. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? This is what's in store for me?

At any rate, while my fear of being T.G. is coupled with the fact that I DO have an intense fear of never actually finding out and thus never letting go, I'm afraid the former will always trump the latter. That's not the way things are supposed to happen. I think that's what scares me the most.

I do believe last night marked a first. Not only did I throw up in a bar (in a controlled environment, ie. the bathroom stall at my own will) BUT I also continued drinking after I threw up! Damn. I always wondered how people did that... and now I know. I have been spending way too much money at the bar recently, and as Allison said "I want to get married" I just said "I want a guy to buy me a drink" and it couldn't be any more true. I'm broke, I don't have a job (right now), I'm a college senior at a Big-Ten University... things couldn't get much better and for that I am very grateful.


*** 2 days later... how did my blog go from a rant about being poor and wanting someone to foot the bill for my excessive drinking habit as of late to how grateful I am to be a college senior? I think i was still drunk at the time... ***

Do this if you don't want me to like you, #32:

Say "Well I'll let you go now..." when on the phone with me, when I have given no indication of other committments or obligations at that moment. If you want to get off the phone, say "I gotta go" or something like that, don't make it sound like you're doing a favor by letting me off the phone! If I have to go do something, I will let you know. If you want to hang up, that's your issue. It's all about taking responsibility, regardless of the severity of the issue at hand.

On a lighter note, I have an appointment at the Aveda Institute for a hair-cut! Hallelujah!

Things that really made me smile today:

1.) Finding $11 and a Subway stamp in my old purse.
2.) Finally spring cleaning.
3.) Going commando. (I know... TMI, but I didn't force your fingers to type in my website...)
4.) Listening to "The Heat is On" while in my muggy room.
5.) Actually needing to wear sunglasses instead of using them as a fashion accessory.

Sarah Hatter.com told me to:
1. Find the nearest book.
2. Open to page 23.
3. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post it.

The other kid is mousy; his diminutive name suits him.

While ever-so-grateful to have my co-op experience at GE, I am less than a month from returning to work for the summer, yet dreading it for my least-favorite three-worded fashion un-statement: steel-toed-shoes. Yup, I got a position in the manufacturing plant. Safety aside, I wouldn't be caught dead in Doc Martens or Sketcher Steel-toes to save my life... instead I have pined over new Nine Wests and Enzo's... have hit up The Limited and Banana to buy some merchandise deemed fashionable in the otherwise "un" Fort Wayne. When picturing my summer job at a Fortune-5 company, I imagined cropped pants, pointed heels, ballerina flats, printed button downs... now I'm left to try and find a pair of shoes comparable to these. So much for going out and buying new work clothes! Not to sound trite, but seriously: what is a girl to do?

I instruct the person who created "the goatee" 5 hail marys, 10 stations of the cross, and 450 hours of volunteer work, preferably in a prison. I mean, what were you thinking???

JESUS LOVES TORTILLAS

My birthday card from Roxanne was labeled:

To the girl who believes her ass crack is lower than normal/average.

lol