My new hobby is reading celebrity dirt on the internet. Except all of these pictures of Britney Spears' baby-bump? Look like me when I come out of Chili's after eating a huge meal.

While browsing through job descriptions online, I found the following desired qualification from one employer in particular: "Familiarity with DoD."

Excellent! I am very familiar with Dick o'Dows! [local Irish pub]
I know that on Thursdays, they have live music and I frequently run into my high school alumnis, on Sun-Tues are rather quiet, but they never have drink specials, even on the slow nights. Five dollars for a pint of beer! At least they don't serve crap...

Sigh. If only they were talking about that DoD.

So I sit down at the computer on a Saturday morning, open my web-browser, and check my email. I only have one this morning (I usually get, like, seven love letters a day!) As I click on the inbox and wait for my slow P3 machine with spy-ware and ad-ware and other junk which slow it down, I conjur up an idea of what this one says. "Lindsay, I cannot live without you, only say the word and I shall be healed." (Wait, this sounds oddly familiar...) "Lindsay, you are the love of my life, never leave me again..." or "Nice shoes, wanna screw?" (To which I think, HOW CAN HE SEE MY SHOES!!?? and run away from the computer with a real paranoia.)

Instead, after the 30 seconds it took to load the page are up, I realize it's only a message from Angel R. Golux letting me know I can "Slim Your Legs and Gut." Awesome!! But, at the same time, HOW CAN SHE SEE MY GUT???

The interesting part of hotel parties is always the part where it is the last 3 people of the party, you, your best friend, and this guy, and you're not sure if your friend wants you to leave so she can hook up with the guy, but you drove her and her stuff is in your car, and the guy is right there, so you try to make eyes at your best friends, eyes like "you want me to leave?" but you are still talking to the guy and your friend at the same time so you're like "so yeah that was funny when he dropped the entire box of alcohol" except you say it with a half-raised eye, the eye that you hope the guy can't see cuz he's on your other side, but since you were never that ambidextrous, on you it looks like you have an eyelash or something in your eye or you're about to sneeze instead of the inquisitive eyebrow "want me to leave you here?"